WAYS TO HELP US AVOID FEELING HURT BY OTHERS: PART I

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

Life is filled with pitfalls that trap us when we rely on pure emotion rather than cool analysis to make sense of things.

Consider, for example, how many ways our feelings can get hurt in the course of a typical day: directly, such as by someone’s words or actions that offend us; or indirectly, such as when there is nothing said or done that we expected and hoped for.

Either way, how deeply our feelings are hurt depends entirely upon how we react to these situations.

One of my favorite sayings has long been, “You cannot control what others do to you. You can only control how you react to what others do to you.” I’m paraphrasing it here, for the basic idea has probably been expressed in different words by others.

Throughout my professional career, and in personal situations as well, these wise, practical words have helped me maintain my composure and shield my feelings from being bruised.

Controlling Your Reactions to Others

As a school administrator in Southern California for 18 years, I often had to deal with situations that put me on the proverbial firing line. I was a leader, and that automatically made me responsible not only for my own policies and decisions, but for any negative or controversial actions that others under my supervision undertook.

Thus, conflict was an aspect of my job, and opportunities were rife for me to feel attacked, unappreciated, and offended.  I had many “stakeholders,” or clients: students, teachers, other site staff, parents, my supervisors, and school board members. My feelings could be hurt by the words or actions, or lack thereof, of literally over a thousand people on any given day.

I would be dishonest if I said that my feelings were never hurt. No leader goes emotionally unscathed. However, I’m being honest when I say that my focus on my reaction toward others helped me tremendously, and often, in not allowing my feelings to be hurt. Notice two key words here: “not allowing.”

This is the crux of the matter: Who is in charge of my feelings? Does someone else force me to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed? If I feel those emotions, did someone else force that upon me, or did I allow myself to feel that way? Again, it comes back to:  Who is in charge of my feelings?

The Powerful Effect of Being in Charge

Not allowing our personal feelings to be dictated by others is one of the most powerful attributes that a civilized society can have. As an extreme example, “mob rule,” or “mob contagion,” allows others to dictate our emotions, with devastating, even deadly, effects.

Mass suicides, riots, and group brutality occur because, fundamentally, the participants in those horrific events gave up their individual ability to control their emotions. They “got swept away” by “the heat of the moment,” and “groupthink” took over. This is admittedly an extreme example, but history is filled with this tragic phenomenon.

On an everyday level, controlling our reactions to what others say and do toward us helps defuse a possibly hostile event. Whatever the damage done by the other person, you can minimize the fallout. You can nurture a calm, respectful environment rather than an offensive one. You can set an example of personal dignity and self-control to observers as well as to the offending person. You might also win over an enemy by helping the offending individual “save face” as you avoid conflict with him or her. Remember that the best way to lose an enemy, according to folk wisdom, is to make him or her your friend.

Overall, focusing on these positive outcomes dictated by your own choice of behavior and reaction helps you to emerge with your self-esteem and dignity more intact than if you had responded in kind to the offending person…or if you had simply allowed your feelings to be hurt.

By choosing your reaction, you are able to choose peace over adversity, serenity over agitation, professionalism over pettiness, and graciousness over thoughtlessness. What’s not to like about these choices?

The very act of choosing these reactions strengthens your resolve to do so again. Your self-image becomes more firmly established in your mind, and your public image is also enhanced.  This dual action helps diminish any hurt you might feel. You become stronger, better able to face future adversity, criticism, or disagreement.

It Isn’t Always Easy

It isn’t easy to acquire this habit. It requires focus and commitment; but, as with many things in life, practice makes perfect. Another strategy that helps us prevent getting our feelings hurt—“developing a thick skin,” or becoming less sensitive to real or perceived offenses—also occurs through practice and often results from making the choices above.

Follow the Role Models!

President Barack Obama is often called “No-Drama Obama,” a nickname that attests to his ability to choose calm, measured responses to attacks against him. During the presidential campaign, when Sarah Palin indirectly accused him of being a terrorist, Obama did not retaliate with equal vitriol.

Whether or not his feelings were hurt, what we witnessed was his choice of reaction to her words: dignity, professionalism, and a focus on important issues rather than her pettiness. Obama is but one role model to emulate.

Undoubtedly, there will be times when others’ words or actions toward us will require an aggressive response, with or without hurt feelings. Still, the admonition to control what we can will serve us all as we strive to become an increasingly civil, rational, progressive society.