USING EMPATHY TO AVOID HURT FEELINGS: PART II

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

In my blog, “Ways to Help Us Avoid Feeling Hurt by Others: Part I,” I focused on controlling our emotional reactions toward others’ hurtful behavior. Here, my focus is on understanding the feelings and motivations of offensive people. Using empathy in this way, especially if used along with my advice in Part I, will help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The Importance of Empathy in Interactions

From the Greek word for “passion,” empathy is defined by Webster’s Dictionary II as identification with, and understanding of, another’s feelings, situation, and motives. Folk wisdom tells metaphorically of Native Americans “walking a mile in [another’s] moccasins” to understand that individual’s experience. This avowed practice attests to the importance of “putting ourselves” in someone else’s situation to fully understand it.

In our competitive, frenetic society, however, we often skip this important step in human interaction, especially when confrontation occurs. The inclination is to jump to conclusions about motives, rely on stereotypes and past actions, or merely disregard another’s input simply because we disagree with it.

Eventually, these harried shortcuts build on one another and lead to cumulative misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Whether on a massive scale—such as in the hostility between Israel and Palestine—or on a small, personal scale, not having empathy for others, especially those with whom we disagree, is highly detrimental.

Empathy in Action: A Real Scenario

No one has a magical solution to Middle East problems, of course. But we can  practice empathy at work and home to avoid negativity. Here’s an example of how I used this technique as a school administrator for 18 years.

Parent X is upset with me for disciplining her son, who was in a fight at school and engaged in other transgressions.  The loud, angry parent accuses me of being prejudiced toward her child and “rigid” in applying rules. These are hurtful comments. I could allow myself to feel hurt or angry, and I probably would respond to her negatively. As I listen to her in my office, I focus on my choices and on being empathetic.

I know her son well. He is defiant, hot-tempered, and bullyish. I can see by the parent-child interaction in my office that he is equally disrespectful and defiant toward her. I allow her to vent, to express her opinions to me for several minutes. I listen attentively and take notes. I picture her at home with her son, after a long day at work, for I know she’s a single mom.

I imagine the confrontations she has with her child, and the patience it takes to balance her needs, his needs, and their mutual well-being. I watch her body language. She is tired and exasperated. I recall other conferences I have had with her and comments she has made to me. This parent is hard-working but is struggling at home and on the job. Her child’s misbehavior at home is not helping her feel better about herself or their life.

Parent X is more upset at her son, and at the added inconvenience his misbehavior has caused in their life, than she is angry at me. I believe that her maternal instincts are requiring her to advocate for her son, though she knows his transgressions. Putting myself in her shoes, I can also imagine the embarrassment she might be feeling. Overall, I am trying to understand her feelings, her situation, and her motives. I am trying to be empathetic.

The Results with Parent X

The process of being empathetic did not take as long as it appears on paper here.  The entire conference with Parent X took 20 minutes, with the outcome as follows.

When she finished talking, I acknowledged several things she needed to hear, though she did not refer to these directly: the difficulty of being a single parent, especially in a hard economy, and especially for a mother raising a son; the challenge of balancing a job and family life; and the lack of time and energy after a day on the job, with further obligations at home. These situations all impacted her comments toward me.

I also acknowledged the importance of her son’s success and the challenges he faced. I assured her that, like her, I wanted her son to have a good life at school, to be respected by adults and peers, and to feel good about himself.  This affirmation helped her realize that I was not prejudiced against her son and was on the same page as she was.

Finally, I acknowledged her importance in her child’s success and how much I appreciated the time she had taken to meet with me. I welcomed her involvement in our school and gave her my phone numbers. I also made sure she understood how we were trying to assist her son. Last but not least, I told her son how fortunate he was to have such a caring mother.

When Parent X left my office, she was calm and relaxed. Although the disciplinary measures for her son occurred nonetheless, the parent now understood the situation better. More important, she felt respected, appreciated, and more empowered to give future input regarding her son’s school career.  These outcomes were much more important than how my feelings might have been hurt by her words.

Again: Practice Makes Perfect!

Seeking to build empathy for others is time-consuming and difficult at first, but practice makes it easier. Focusing on trying to understand the feelings, situations, and motives of others makes us concentrate on what is truly important: a full grasp of the situation at hand in a way that brings positive results for as many people as possible. Conversely, not practicing empathy is far more deleterious to our society than is the effort of learning how to be empathetic.

WAYS TO HELP US AVOID FEELING HURT BY OTHERS: PART I

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

Life is filled with pitfalls that trap us when we rely on pure emotion rather than cool analysis to make sense of things.

Consider, for example, how many ways our feelings can get hurt in the course of a typical day: directly, such as by someone’s words or actions that offend us; or indirectly, such as when there is nothing said or done that we expected and hoped for.

Either way, how deeply our feelings are hurt depends entirely upon how we react to these situations.

One of my favorite sayings has long been, “You cannot control what others do to you. You can only control how you react to what others do to you.” I’m paraphrasing it here, for the basic idea has probably been expressed in different words by others.

Throughout my professional career, and in personal situations as well, these wise, practical words have helped me maintain my composure and shield my feelings from being bruised.

Controlling Your Reactions to Others

As a school administrator in Southern California for 18 years, I often had to deal with situations that put me on the proverbial firing line. I was a leader, and that automatically made me responsible not only for my own policies and decisions, but for any negative or controversial actions that others under my supervision undertook.

Thus, conflict was an aspect of my job, and opportunities were rife for me to feel attacked, unappreciated, and offended.  I had many “stakeholders,” or clients: students, teachers, other site staff, parents, my supervisors, and school board members. My feelings could be hurt by the words or actions, or lack thereof, of literally over a thousand people on any given day.

I would be dishonest if I said that my feelings were never hurt. No leader goes emotionally unscathed. However, I’m being honest when I say that my focus on my reaction toward others helped me tremendously, and often, in not allowing my feelings to be hurt. Notice two key words here: “not allowing.”

This is the crux of the matter: Who is in charge of my feelings? Does someone else force me to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed? If I feel those emotions, did someone else force that upon me, or did I allow myself to feel that way? Again, it comes back to:  Who is in charge of my feelings?

The Powerful Effect of Being in Charge

Not allowing our personal feelings to be dictated by others is one of the most powerful attributes that a civilized society can have. As an extreme example, “mob rule,” or “mob contagion,” allows others to dictate our emotions, with devastating, even deadly, effects.

Mass suicides, riots, and group brutality occur because, fundamentally, the participants in those horrific events gave up their individual ability to control their emotions. They “got swept away” by “the heat of the moment,” and “groupthink” took over. This is admittedly an extreme example, but history is filled with this tragic phenomenon.

On an everyday level, controlling our reactions to what others say and do toward us helps defuse a possibly hostile event. Whatever the damage done by the other person, you can minimize the fallout. You can nurture a calm, respectful environment rather than an offensive one. You can set an example of personal dignity and self-control to observers as well as to the offending person. You might also win over an enemy by helping the offending individual “save face” as you avoid conflict with him or her. Remember that the best way to lose an enemy, according to folk wisdom, is to make him or her your friend.

Overall, focusing on these positive outcomes dictated by your own choice of behavior and reaction helps you to emerge with your self-esteem and dignity more intact than if you had responded in kind to the offending person…or if you had simply allowed your feelings to be hurt.

By choosing your reaction, you are able to choose peace over adversity, serenity over agitation, professionalism over pettiness, and graciousness over thoughtlessness. What’s not to like about these choices?

The very act of choosing these reactions strengthens your resolve to do so again. Your self-image becomes more firmly established in your mind, and your public image is also enhanced.  This dual action helps diminish any hurt you might feel. You become stronger, better able to face future adversity, criticism, or disagreement.

It Isn’t Always Easy

It isn’t easy to acquire this habit. It requires focus and commitment; but, as with many things in life, practice makes perfect. Another strategy that helps us prevent getting our feelings hurt—“developing a thick skin,” or becoming less sensitive to real or perceived offenses—also occurs through practice and often results from making the choices above.

Follow the Role Models!

President Barack Obama is often called “No-Drama Obama,” a nickname that attests to his ability to choose calm, measured responses to attacks against him. During the presidential campaign, when Sarah Palin indirectly accused him of being a terrorist, Obama did not retaliate with equal vitriol.

Whether or not his feelings were hurt, what we witnessed was his choice of reaction to her words: dignity, professionalism, and a focus on important issues rather than her pettiness. Obama is but one role model to emulate.

Undoubtedly, there will be times when others’ words or actions toward us will require an aggressive response, with or without hurt feelings. Still, the admonition to control what we can will serve us all as we strive to become an increasingly civil, rational, progressive society.

CONNECTING OUR PAST AND FUTURE: HOW WRITERS KEEP EXPERIENCES ALIVE

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

For better or worse, our experiences created us, inside and out, and continue to influence who we are. For writers, personal experiences oftentimes end up on the pages of our books, poems, stories, screenplays, and essays.

Even when our creations are “fictionalized,” the heart of our tales springs from our childhoods, our marriages and friendships, people we know at work, and from our everyday surroundings. It has been a long-accepted maxim that writers usually write what they know best, and what we know best is oftentimes what we have experienced directly.

Can life events be relived for decades and centuries into the future? In essence, can time stand still? By interjecting their writings with personal experiences, authors do indeed capture these events in time, to be relived by generations of readers, thus weaving past and future with the power of the written word.

An Element of Autobiography Prevails

In addition to memoirs, fictional writings are replete with an element of autobiography.

Consider the case of current Latina bestselling author, Caridad Piñeiro, acclaimed writer of 24 romance books. Her huge success with her new “paranormal romance” SIN series can be traced to her deep love of science and extensive training in it.

In her newest book, Sins of the Flesh, the novel’s hero, Caterina Shaw, is afflicted with a strange medical condition that causes her skin to blend into the background, like a chameleon’s. Suffering from a terminal illness, Caterina was used, without her consent, as a guinea pig in a demented doctor’s laboratory. In creating this riveting tale of medical experimentation (and romance!), Caridad used her direct experiences with science and laboratories to craft the plot of this book.

Caridad recently communicated to me: “I was a science geek, earning a B.S. degree magna cum laude from Villanova University….My love of science led to this new series. There have been hints of it in other books, but this time it was more overt.”

She adds: “I think that every experience in life adds something to what we do. In this case, it helped create a new concept for [my] novels.”

Such is the transferable, ubiquitous power of personal experience!

Another Latina Author’s Experiences

Sandra Cisneros, one of our premier contemporary authors, states on her website that she writes “…what happened to me that I can’t forget, but also what happened to others I love, or what strangers have told me happened to them….”  She includes vicarious experience as inspiration for her fiction.

Ultimately, she takes all experience and “cuts and pastes it together to make a story….” Her last novel, Caramelo, is, according to Booklist, “a sweeping, fictionalized history” of the author’s Mexican-American clan. Indeed, Sandra’s research into her roots entailed trips to Mexico for approximately a decade.

Speaking from Experience…

Many of my own stories are also triggered by personal experience, though I usually expand a small event into a full one with characters, settings, and events that I did not in fact experience.

One of the stories in my new book, for example, describes a woman on a neighborhood walk who finds a small, lovely jewelry box by a trash bin and takes it home. The first two pages of this story, “Little Box,” are an exact description of my discovery of such a box in Chicago. However, everything that happens from that page forward is total fiction. (The little box, by the way, sits on my bookshelf now as I write this blog.)

Conversely, another of my stories, “White Van,” describes my own neighborhood in Pasadena and closely depicts a neighbor I had long ago. Though the narrator of the story is fictionalized, the situation in the story is almost all based on reality.

My story “Juana Macho” was inspired by someone I knew in my native Texas. “Fooled” was inspired by my own mother’s critical illness and the measures my family members took to protect her from tragic news. “Marry Me” was triggered by the fact that one of my younger brothers was the object of affection of an elderly woman who proposed to him!

Of course, although fiction writers may use their experiences as a springboard to their tales, imagination takes over and renders an actuality into a new creation.

The Bond Between Life and Literature

Perhaps this pervasive tapping of experience by authors—whether just as inspiration for a plot or character, or for an entire story or poem, or any amalgamation in between—is a testament to the closeness of literature and life.

We’ve heard it said that good literature mirrors life. Literature captures the nuances of experience and reflects these back to us to enlighten us about people, about love and struggle, about all the vicissitudes that life presents us.

As Fred White, in his book The Daily Writer (2008), states: “Our imagination allows us to extrapolate from stories we’ve read…and our own familiarity….”

Writers past and present extract the heart of the matter from an experience that moved them somehow, then offer that experience to their readers in a new, gussied-up form, with embellishments that give the original experience a uniqueness birthed by the author.

The Stories in All of Us

Ultimately, we all have stories inside us that are worthy of a book, a chapter in a book, or a poem and more. Unavoidably, we often reflect on experiences we’ve had, dissecting them alone or with others to find meaning in them and in life in general. This dissecting, this analysis is similar to what authors do, as they take snippets of experiences and, as Cisneros says, weave them together to make a story.

Luckily for broader society, the weaving that writers do enriches all of us and helps enlighten our journeys in this world.

[For any of the books listed in this post click on the links to be taken to amazon for purchase or reviews.]

OUR CULTURE, OUR SELVES, OUR WORLD

By Contributing Blogger Dr. Thelma Reyna

Not a day passes in our modern American lives wherein we don’t interact with cultural diversity.  If any of us were to take an informal culture awareness test, we’d probably do pretty well.

After all—especially in places like Southern California where I live, the mega melting pot of the West—we’re accustomed to the sights, sounds, and aromas emanating from the polyglot venues of commerce and human interaction in our neighborhoods, restaurants, shopping centers, schools, and workplaces.

Our Everyday Contacts with “Other Cultures”

In fact, cultural diversity is so finely interwoven into our everyday lives,  that even those who might not otherwise consider themselves in tune with it actually traffic in it.

We have a breakfast burrito, a Thai salad for lunch, Colombian coffee during our work break, and might send out for Chinese food at dinnertime. Our music might be courtesy of Mariah Carey, Jay-Z, or Miriam Makeba.

Our favorite movie stars? Try Benjamin Bratt, Denzel Washington, Jackie Chan, and Cate Blanchett. For TV, we’ve rediscovered the handsomeness and huge talent of Jon Seda, star of “The Pacific,” and also admire the very diverse cast of “Law & Order: SVU.”

A quick reading of cast lists at the end of movies or TV programs, a glance at pop music charts, glossy magazines, and ads in print media all show us the beauty and widespread acceptance of multi-hued, culturally diverse people we admire and sometimes emulate.

Diversity in Our Minds

Intellectually, we’re equally eclectic, and why not? Which cultural group has a monopoly on wisdom, artistry, and innovativeness?  So we get health news updates from Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN; read books by Sandra Cisneros, Daniel Olivas, and Amy Tan.

We love the poetry of Maya Angelou and Pat Mora and are inspired by His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s vision of happiness in the workplace.  We get broadcast news from Julie Banderas, Fareed Zakariah, and Soledad O’Brien.

We keep up with the political leadership of Gloria Romero and Antonio Villaraigosa in California, Hilda Solis and Hillary Clinton at the federal level, and of course with the multi-pronged outreach efforts of our President Obama.

Our quest for knowledge and understanding is deepened by the richness and diversity of these various perspectives, of the evolution of these people’s selves that occurred through their different cultural lenses, which they now share with us, the broader society. We are all better for this heterogeneity of humanity.

“Culture” as Defined Globally

An article in the New York Times recently debated the “borders” of “culture.”  The author, Michael Kimmelman, stated that, while “culture” can carry “deeply rooted, special meanings to specific people, [it] doesn’t belong to anyone in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t stand still.”

He went on to argue that culture “ultimately belongs to everyone and to no one.”  Although his article focused on art, his observations ring true in general, especially as time marches forward, and our everyday diversity expands exponentially, becoming inextricably woven into the tapestry of society.

So it becomes increasingly difficult—and will hopefully continue to be thus—for an average American, especially in our urban areas, to describe herself or himself in terms of one specific culture to the exclusion of others.

While we can cherish and give extra import to the facets of our particular ethnic identity, ultimately we have each become, or are becoming, an amalgamation of the diverse cultures we encounter at work, play, and home.

And what a beautiful thing this is!

The Whole Is Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

A great springboard to innovation in our business and industrial successes has been collaborative teamwork.  So it is in schools and other realms of organizational life, and this has traditionally been a dominant component of our Latino culture as well.

The elements of diversity of ideas and cross-pollination of perspectives figure prominently in this.

Conversely, history shows that isolated societies centered on their own particular cultures do not flourish as much as open societies do.

The Universality of Humanity

The ultimate beauty of multicultural integration—the co-mingling and eventual wholesale ownership of differences—is that it highlights the universality of humanity.  For that is something most of us have always known: We are all the same.

While our food may be cooked with different spices, and our wardrobes are woven in different colors, and our tongues inflect differently, we all cherish common values and hold similar dreams.

We love our children and hope the future is brighter for them than for us. We cherish respect for one another. We each want to feel valued and want to feel, upon our deaths, that our brief presence on earth made a positive difference for someone, somewhere. Except for those on the fringes of humanity who have unfortunately lost theirs in the process, this is the one culture of our planet: the human culture.

LEARNING IS FOREVER AND EVER!

Who is the oldest primary school pupil in the world?

That’s a trick question. You see, the person who used to claim that honor died in August 2009. Most likely, none of us in the United States knew him, and, in fact, most people in his own country—Kenya—didn’t know him either. His village, however, was well aware of his student status at the local school, and they admired his love of learning.

Guinness World Record-Holder

The oldest officially recognized pupil was 90 years old. His name was Kimani Nganga Maruge, a great-grandfather who had never had the opportunity to attend school in his poverty-stricken village…until he reached the age of 84. At that time, Kenya instituted free schooling in primary schools, according to BBC News, and Kimani was anxious to learn how to read and do math, so he could read the Bible and keep track of his small pension. He became the oldest person ever to enroll in a primary school.

He did so at Kapkenduywa, where he maintained a stellar attendance record as he worked toward his dream of being a veterinarian someday. Nothing could keep Kimani away from learning. Not the fire that destroyed his home, causing him to be relocated to the city. Not the violence that sometimes shattered the peace of his homeland. Not the cancer that was discovered months before his death.

Kimani believed that, “It’s never too late.” Never too late to achieve a dream. Never too late to challenge yourself beyond your comfort zone to force you to stretch yourself and learn marvelous new things. Never too late to commit yourself to the pursuit of learning, as Kimani did through home studying when he was stricken with his fatal illness. He was two years away from completing elementary school when he died.

Meet Another 90-Something Who Won’t Quit

She’s not a Latina, but she’s powerful, and she represents what we can all become as we age: a vibrant, lifelong learner whose life is never dull because learning never stops. Meet 94-year-old Dr. Marion Downs, who learned skiing at the age of 51, tennis at the age of 68, and skydiving at the age of 90, according to Marion, who is the author of Shut Up and Live!

She exercises her brain as well as her body, and the zest in her long life is a testament to the power of learning forever and ever, whether it’s through her crossword puzzles, playing bridge, or not saying no to new experiences. Though we may not be as intrepid as she is with physical activities, may we all share Marion’s determination to keep learning today and as the years pass!

Various Reasons for Continued Learning

Lifelong learning—currently referred to as “LLL”—is the consistent, dedicated pursuit of knowledge throughout our lives, no matter the field or intensity of the learning.

We engage in LLL for various reasons: to update our professional job skills; to pursue higher education for career advancement; to switch careers and go into a totally different field, as the current economy is forcing many people to do; to keep our minds sharp, so as to ward off dementia and other physical weaknesses that come with aging.

My favorite reasons for LLL, however, are inherent curiosity about life and people, linked to the best reason of all for learning: It is a source of joy and personal fulfillment.

Our global, interconnected society has imbued our lives with so much diversity in all arenas: social, economic, political, artistic. What we used to know for daily living purposes changes rapidly. On a simple level, think about warnings doctors have given us through the years about our diet: caffeine is bad, but now it’s good; alcohol is bad, but wine in moderation is now good; chocolate is bad, but dark chocolate is now good for the heart.
Doctors contradict one another as more and more knowledge, through research and new technologies, floods our airwaves, bookstores, TV news, newspapers, and—an immense driver of the need for LLL—the internet! Simply to know what foods and drinks to consume and what to avoid requires that we constantly learn about new revelations.

The Bottom Line: LLL Enhances the Quality of Life

If even for helping us understand what’s best for our health, LLL has been linked to a higher quality of life by many experts. In addition, according to “The Top 10 Benefits of Lifelong Learning” (based on scientific research since the 1990’s), LLL helps us fully develop our raw talents; opens our minds to better understanding of different ideas; makes us desire further learning; strengthens our wisdom and perspectives on life; stimulate us to be more aware of and involved in our communities; helps us adapt to change, find meaning in our lives, and feel self-fulfilled.

Clearly, lifelong learning enriches our lives and consequently helps us to enrich the lives of others.

Featured Powerful Latina with Passion

Thelma Reyna, Ph.D., does a piece on a woman who has found her passion in improving education, first for her own child and now for all children in the Los Angeles schools. What can we learn from this woman’s work and her passion?

MATILDA VERA: “PARENT OF THE YEAR” WITH A PASSION FOR CHANGE

Starting when she was 14 years old, Matilda—or Mati, as she likes to be called— hung out with the wrong crowd. She was one of eight children, the youngest girl, born to parents in Guadalajara, Mexico. Her mother had no education beyond the second grade and became a single mom at an early age.

Mati came to the United States at the age of four and didn’t care much for school. In fact, she dropped out at the 11th grade and was soon on the path to nowhere.

“Up til about the age of 35,” says Mati, “I was attracted to men who were in jail, men who got in trouble. I had to live and learn. Then I had a son, who is now five years old.”

Starting a New Life

In fact, her son, Antonio, who was a “miracle baby,” is the major reason Mati turned her life around for the better. After surviving his mother’s high-risk pregnancy, the little boy became Mati’s reason for living. She was a school bus driver for Murchison Elementary School, when she enrolled her boy at the age of three years in the Headstart Program at the Boyle Heights State Street Pre-School. She began volunteering in the program to be near her son, and she got hooked.

“Despite my job as a bus driver, I volunteered more than 40 hours a week at my son’s school,” she says. “I realized how important parents are in their kids’ educational success.”

Recognition and Honors for Mati

Mati went to weekly parent meetings, discussed budgets, and participated in decision making. She quickly caught the attention of other parents and school leaders, who gave her more and more responsibility. In June 2009, Mati was named the “Parent Advocate of the Year” by the Los Angeles County Board of Education (LACOE). Then, on February 3, 2010, Mati was honored by the California Headstart Association as the statewide “Parent of the Year” at a special ceremony in Long Beach.

“It was a great honor to me to receive this award,” she says. “The conventions I had attended, the leadership training the program gave us, it all made me realize how much our children need us in their school lives.”

And Mati is now a spokesperson for this philosophy. In her acceptance speech in Sacramento, she told the audience: “In education, we [parents] are the minority. Are we going to kill our children’s dreams? Or will we walk with them side by side to make their dreams come true?”

Growing Responsibilities as a Leader and Parent Volunteer

So Mati is more involved as a parent volunteer than ever before. She has now been a school bus driver for 12 years. She is a volunteer at the Foundation for Early Childhood Education (ECE) at the Headstart agency in El Monte, as well as at her son’s school in Boyle Heights. In addition, she serves on the LACOE Policy Council in Santa Fe Springs. She was elected to this position by the Foundation for ECE.

Mati has also been president of PTA, has headed committees, and always seeks ways to involve PTA’s more in Headstart programs. At LACOE, she led the Education and Transition Committee, which collected and donated 500 books to start a lending library for parents.

Looking Ahead

As if she needs more obligations, Mati plans to apply this month for the Board of Directors of the El Monte Headstart agency. They oversee operations in 26 school sites in Southern California and have greater influence in policy decisions. If elected, her term would be ongoing. Also, Mati plans to help facilitate the Parent Involvement Academy, which gathers in March to celebrate their 14th anniversary.

With her strong passion for giving parents a voice in school matters, and for supporting her son’s educational career, Matilda Vera is an outstanding role model not just for parents, but for young women and Latinas all over America. May her success continue!

LIVING OUR LIVES WITH PASSION: PURSUING OUR DREAMS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

Thanks to commercialized media, the word “passion” has sometimes taken on narrow definitions with connotations that are not always appropriate in polite company, or—thanks to Mel Gibson’s movie, “The Passion of Christ”—evoke intense religious emotions.

One of my favorite meanings of the word is “boundless enthusiasm,” the third most frequently used sense of the term, according to Webster.  Enthusiasm is vibrant, contagious, practical, influential, idealistic, enhancing the lives and persons of a spectrum of people, from rich and famous, to ordinary or obscure.

Enthusiasm resides, or can reside, in each of us…and it can make an immense difference in the quality of our lives.

Who Has “Passion”?

It’s all around us, in places you’d least expect to see “boundless enthusiasm.” But when you see it—especially when you see it in persons whose lives are challenging, persons who struggle each day to make a living, persons who might feel sometimes that life is unfair—enthusiasm is especially remarkable.

The Jennifer Lopez’s and Mariah Carey’s of the world are admirable for their enthusiasm and passion for their work (and may this passion continue unabated!), but passion may require a bit more commitment when it’s rooted in the stony soil of hardship.

Latina Pioneer with Passion to Spare!

A historic example of a famous Latina living with passion is Eulalia Perez de Guillen de Mariné, who flourished in the late 1800’s and was one of the most famous Southern California pioneers and one of the few influential non-aristocratic women of her time.

Her story and photo are included in a local author’s, Roberta Martinez, engrossing book titled Latinos in Pasadena (my hometown).

According to Roberta, Eulalia was born in Mexico, came to San Diego as a soldier’s wife, gave birth to 12 children, was an accomplished dancer, was “literate, was a midwife, and was devoted to church and family.”

As a widow, she carried on her life of service and was entrusted as the “keeper of keys” at the San Gabriel Mission, where—“capable, clever, and disciplined”—she basically ran the mission, overseeing all matters not handled by the priests or the military.

As a testament to her passion for accomplishments and service to others, she was given 14,000 acres of “desecularized” mission land, called Rancho San Pascual, on which now sit the beautiful cities of Pasadena, Sierra Madre, South Pasadena, San Marino, and LaCanada, all in Los Angeles County.

A Mexican immigrant who helped carve our California history! That was Eulalia, a woman few people have even heard of but who touched the lives of many.

How Do We  Show Passion for Living?

When you’re engaged in activities that fill you with joy, peace, love, satisfaction, pride, or any other heart-stirring emotion, you’re probably doing those activities with passion. It can be:

• a quiet passion, such as that of Mother Theresa in ministering to the poor, starving lepers of India.

• a stirring passion, such as that of Frida Kahlo, the colorful Mexican artist.

• a life-endangering passion, such as that of race-car driver Danika Patrick.

Or it can be something in between: not in the public spotlight, not bringing us fame, Nobel Prizes, trophies, or fortunes.

The fortunes are the inner rewards we feel in doing our work with enthusiasm, knowing that, undoubtedly, somebody will benefit from our labors.

• Noemi, a young public school math teacher, is devoted to her high-risk teens, pushing them to be successful, serving on committees to improve education for disadvantaged kids. She has three young children of her own and has just earned a Master’s degree studying part-time. This Latina has passion!

• Maria, a volunteer community activist in her 60’s, serves on two city commissions, a number of nonprofit organization boards, and speaks out in her soft, calm voice against discrimination of any type. She advocates for youth of all colors and is not afraid to ruffle feathers by doing so. This Latina has passion!

• Cristina, a native of Mexico who married an American Latino 20 years ago, didn’t speak English and had never lived in the U.S. She now lives in Texas, is fully literate in English, earned a degree in Culinary Arts, freelances by making the most gorgeous, creative cakes and shrimp paellas, and runs an occasional excursion business, taking her American friends in chartered buses to charming towns in Mexico and feeding them gourmet sandwiches along the way. This Latina has passion!

Live Your Life with Passion!

Go ahead. Find what you love, what makes you feel complete and energized.

• Is it volunteering and helping others?
• Do you need to go back to school to brush up on skills, or learn new ones?
• Do you need to marshal your friends or family around you?
• Can you do this labor of love from home, as things are now; or do you need to find other ways, other places to do it?

Whatever you need to do, start doing it as soon as you can.

When we live life with passion, it’s a happier life, not only for us, but for those who benefit from our passion. Since we all know life is too short… get going!

BE AWARE OF YOUR ATTITUDE!

As parents and educators, we have for decades examined and debated countless ideas regarding how best to raise our children, at home and in the schoolroom. University research, popular books, spiritual guides, and thousands of other sources have tried to persuade us that one particular strategy or another is best, that children will flourish if we implement one favored program or another, or if we pass a particular piece of legislation.

Yet we still struggle with issues like juvenile delinquency, high school dropout rates, moral alienation, gang affiliation, and other facts that tell us we haven’t quite “connected” with large numbers of children in a meaningful way that inspires their uprightness and social caring. At best, we keep our minds open to all strategies that help, wondering perennially what can consistently work with kids.

Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, said in his little gem of a book, It’s Not Easy Being Green: “The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.” (p. 113; emphasis added)

What a simple idea; yet, if we reflect on these words, we can see their wisdom, their truth. Henson’s statement also mirrors a proverb many of us grew up hearing: “Actions speak louder than words.”

My husband’s Tio Juan, who died a few weeks short of his 100th birthday, had the most memorable, humanistic attitude I’ve ever encountered. Tio Juan became totally blind when he was a young man. From the onset of his blindness until his death, he lived with his older brother and his family. Tio Juan’s life was circumscribed by his disability: he never dated, never married, never had children, although everyone’s children around him—for he came from a very large, extended family—were his children in spirit.

It would have been understandable if Tio Juan had been bitter or jaded. If he wallowed in self-pity and cursed his fate, we would have understood. If he spurned people’s help, out of pride, we would have accepted it. If he pushed away the fortunate ones, from envy, and turned his perspective inward, we would have been patient.

But this is not what Tio Juan was. His daily routine was set in simplicity. He walked into the kitchen early in the morning for his breakfast, for which he always said grace and always praised the cook. He sat in the living or dining room all day chatting with whoever dropped by, ate his other meals, retired sometimes to his tiny bedroom for a nap, and always ended the day in the living room, sitting in his favorite wooden chair, cane in hand, talking, laughing, joking, and reminiscing with family, friends, and neighbors.

Because of his blindness, Tio Juan didn’t travel far from his chair. He didn’t work. He left his home only in the company of his brother’s family, only for special occasions or family gatherings. But, oh, the joy and radiance in his unseeing eyes, in his smooth face, in his smile! When he spoke, music filled his words. His eyes twinkled, and “only goodness and mercy” spilled from his tongue. His reminiscences (he loved to relive his youth and talk about family members’ escapades as children) bespoke love and caring.

When we sat beside Tio Juan, it was as if only we, his visitors, mattered in the universe. His attention upon us was genuine and alive. He asked us many questions and cocked his head just so as he listened to our answers. We knew he was interested in us, in our lives, in all of us and what was happening in our worlds. He accepted aid humbly and gratefully. He radiated humanity, authenticity, and total interest in the welfare of others.

All the children and adults fortunate to spend time with Tio Juan benefited from his presence. I don’t remember much of what he spoke of. I don’t remember much of what he tried to teach the children bouncing around him at all hours of the day, though I know he tried. I doubt that anyone else can articulate all that he said. But we all remember and cherish his benevolent attitude: his humility, modesty, tolerance for all, patience, and unwavering hope for our betterment. We recall how he carried himself with quiet dignity and grace. We remember his lack of ego and faith in each of us.

We all remember clearly what he was!

If each of us, as parent or educator, examines the attitudes we relay daily toward all the children in our charge (and for that matter, everyone around us), what will we find? Are we communicating hope and joy in humanity, love and protectiveness, as Tio Juan did? Can we place the selves of others above our own petty concerns? If we can do this…oh, what a world we can create!

KNOWING YOURSELF: OH, SOCRATES, WHERE ARE YOU?

Socrates, the great ancient Greek philosopher, was charged at the age of 70 with corrupting the minds of youth with his public debating and questioning of society’s beliefs and practices. He had devoted his life to educating young people and challenging deeply held social and political beliefs of others as he sought truth and wisdom in all aspects of existence.

When he was sentenced to die by poisoning, he was given the choice of ceasing his philosophical debates and lectures in order to live. He refused to do so and uttered one of his now most famous lines: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Luckily for us in America in 2010, we don’t have to fear execution for openly examining our lives and social values. Socrates also once said, “Know thyself.” Today, to know yourself and to understand others is not only acceptable, it’s frequently encouraged as a healthy thing to do, and we’re swamped with ways to do it!

Researchers and other professionals in all walks of life talk of people’s “emotional quotient,” or EQ, as a gauge of our social maturity. Job-seekers and those who hire them take and give standardized skills tests inspired by the book, What Color Is Your Parachute? to help people learn their job-related strengths.

The Myers-Briggs Personality Test and scores of others have, for decades, tried to help us understand ourselves: our intellect, our ways of interacting with others, our work styles, our thinking styles, and basically everything that makes us tick. Surely, it’s easier in 2010 to “know thyself” in many arenas of life than it was in Socrates’ day.

The Question of the Centuries

Yet do we truly know ourselves? Pessimists would say no. A simple measure—California’s sky-high divorce rate, reportedly the highest, or among the highest, in the world—shows that people marry without truly knowing what they’re getting into (or maybe who they truly are and who they might be compatible with), or what their new mate is really like, or even if marriage is the right thing for them.

Educators can tell you that high school graduates today often enter college without an academic major in mind. And it’s not unusual for college graduates to pursue careers totally different from ones they studied in college.

These are certainly examples of not knowing oneself (at least at one point in time), even if we only look at the time, money, and effort expended for something that did not last, or proved to be in the wrong direction.

How do we truly know ourselves? It’s been the question of the centuries, across all cultures. Whether it’s couched as self-knowledge, self-acceptance, self-love, or self-esteem, volumes have been written about the topic. Still, no one has the answer today, not even folks who’ve made fortunes giving us tips in books and lectures, the Wayne Dyers and Deepak Chopras of the world, and others who claim to know “The Secret.”

A Never-Ending Process Unique to Each of Us

The only thing we can say with certainty is that it’s a lifelong process as individual and unique as each human being.

•    Learning about the journeys of others in this process helps us.
•    Being open to constant change as we grow and evolve through the years helps us.
•    Being collaborative in this process—giving input to others and openly receiving input from others about who we are—helps us.
•    Remembering that nobody is perfect, that being human means being filled with flaws, helps us.
•    Staying focused on the best personal qualities within each of us (we all have these!) and striving to keep these front and center helps us.
•    Remembering that each of us is a part of the vast human family, that none of us can grow and thrive in isolation, that each of us belongs to a large, dynamic system of interactions that is always in flux…helps us!

My husband, Victor Reyna’s, simple and practical definition of self-knowledge is: “Knowing your weaknesses and your strengths.” After a moment’s thought, he adds: “Throughout your life, work on both.” This elegant little guidepost has served him well.

Which brings me to my final point: Find your own definition, your own measure, of who and what you are. The simpler the better: Is it, “Helping others makes me happy? Or, I’m at my best when I’m working on something I love? Or, Having a stable family is my greatest joy in life? Or…? This is not the magic bullet. This is just a small, individual step in your own unique self-knowledge.

Write it on a slip of paper. Tape it to your refrigerator door or your calendar. Share it with significant others. Just do not carve it into concrete, for it will most likely change as you evolve. Then lead your life with a commitment and focus on it.

Latina Leadership Lessons: Why Are Powerful Latinas Happy?

Personal power, done right, is intertwined with personal happiness…done right. In other words, if power is benevolent, and if happiness is sought with the right frame of mind, the two will join hands and march forward together, making for a powerfully happy life, or a happily powerful one.

It’s simplistic. But the older I get, the more I realize that being happy is simpler than we think, and being happy increases our power. The “Powerful Latinas” featured in this website come from vastly divergent fields: arts, entertainment, business, government, military, health, etc. Not knowing them personally, I’m going to stick my neck out and fathom a guess about each one of them: They are happy in their lives.

The Connection Between Power and Happiness

Personal power, as I use it, refers to our individual ability to make a difference in the lives of others. All the Powerful Latinas highlighted in prior blogs have that ability and use it.

Happiness, as used here, refers to how we live our lives. It’s a process, not an emotion. We’ve all seen bumper stickers that say, “Happiness is the journey, not the destination.” Or, “You can’t find happiness; you create it.” It’s the same message. On my bulletin board by my desk, I pinned this little revelation a friend emailed me recently. Unfortunately, neither she nor I know the source of the statement, but here it is:

“If you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work, and doing the best you can, happiness will find you.”

It speaks straight to my heart!

Powerful Latinas have their focus in the right places: their family, their amigas and amigos, the needs of other people (neighbors, co-workers, supervisors, clients, patients, customers, fellow soldiers), their work, and—most tellingly of all—doing the best job they can do. This focus is what elicited their quality work, what earned them the recognition and prestige they have. This focus is what gave them their personal power and the ability to make a difference in the lives of others around them.

And, according to my bulletin board, this focus is bringing them happiness along the way.

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Note from Aurelia: I love Thelma’s premise that Happiness is a process, not an “end game” – think about what that means for your life…