USING EMPATHY TO AVOID HURT FEELINGS: PART II

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

In my blog, “Ways to Help Us Avoid Feeling Hurt by Others: Part I,” I focused on controlling our emotional reactions toward others’ hurtful behavior. Here, my focus is on understanding the feelings and motivations of offensive people. Using empathy in this way, especially if used along with my advice in Part I, will help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The Importance of Empathy in Interactions

From the Greek word for “passion,” empathy is defined by Webster’s Dictionary II as identification with, and understanding of, another’s feelings, situation, and motives. Folk wisdom tells metaphorically of Native Americans “walking a mile in [another’s] moccasins” to understand that individual’s experience. This avowed practice attests to the importance of “putting ourselves” in someone else’s situation to fully understand it.

In our competitive, frenetic society, however, we often skip this important step in human interaction, especially when confrontation occurs. The inclination is to jump to conclusions about motives, rely on stereotypes and past actions, or merely disregard another’s input simply because we disagree with it.

Eventually, these harried shortcuts build on one another and lead to cumulative misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Whether on a massive scale—such as in the hostility between Israel and Palestine—or on a small, personal scale, not having empathy for others, especially those with whom we disagree, is highly detrimental.

Empathy in Action: A Real Scenario

No one has a magical solution to Middle East problems, of course. But we can  practice empathy at work and home to avoid negativity. Here’s an example of how I used this technique as a school administrator for 18 years.

Parent X is upset with me for disciplining her son, who was in a fight at school and engaged in other transgressions.  The loud, angry parent accuses me of being prejudiced toward her child and “rigid” in applying rules. These are hurtful comments. I could allow myself to feel hurt or angry, and I probably would respond to her negatively. As I listen to her in my office, I focus on my choices and on being empathetic.

I know her son well. He is defiant, hot-tempered, and bullyish. I can see by the parent-child interaction in my office that he is equally disrespectful and defiant toward her. I allow her to vent, to express her opinions to me for several minutes. I listen attentively and take notes. I picture her at home with her son, after a long day at work, for I know she’s a single mom.

I imagine the confrontations she has with her child, and the patience it takes to balance her needs, his needs, and their mutual well-being. I watch her body language. She is tired and exasperated. I recall other conferences I have had with her and comments she has made to me. This parent is hard-working but is struggling at home and on the job. Her child’s misbehavior at home is not helping her feel better about herself or their life.

Parent X is more upset at her son, and at the added inconvenience his misbehavior has caused in their life, than she is angry at me. I believe that her maternal instincts are requiring her to advocate for her son, though she knows his transgressions. Putting myself in her shoes, I can also imagine the embarrassment she might be feeling. Overall, I am trying to understand her feelings, her situation, and her motives. I am trying to be empathetic.

The Results with Parent X

The process of being empathetic did not take as long as it appears on paper here.  The entire conference with Parent X took 20 minutes, with the outcome as follows.

When she finished talking, I acknowledged several things she needed to hear, though she did not refer to these directly: the difficulty of being a single parent, especially in a hard economy, and especially for a mother raising a son; the challenge of balancing a job and family life; and the lack of time and energy after a day on the job, with further obligations at home. These situations all impacted her comments toward me.

I also acknowledged the importance of her son’s success and the challenges he faced. I assured her that, like her, I wanted her son to have a good life at school, to be respected by adults and peers, and to feel good about himself.  This affirmation helped her realize that I was not prejudiced against her son and was on the same page as she was.

Finally, I acknowledged her importance in her child’s success and how much I appreciated the time she had taken to meet with me. I welcomed her involvement in our school and gave her my phone numbers. I also made sure she understood how we were trying to assist her son. Last but not least, I told her son how fortunate he was to have such a caring mother.

When Parent X left my office, she was calm and relaxed. Although the disciplinary measures for her son occurred nonetheless, the parent now understood the situation better. More important, she felt respected, appreciated, and more empowered to give future input regarding her son’s school career.  These outcomes were much more important than how my feelings might have been hurt by her words.

Again: Practice Makes Perfect!

Seeking to build empathy for others is time-consuming and difficult at first, but practice makes it easier. Focusing on trying to understand the feelings, situations, and motives of others makes us concentrate on what is truly important: a full grasp of the situation at hand in a way that brings positive results for as many people as possible. Conversely, not practicing empathy is far more deleterious to our society than is the effort of learning how to be empathetic.

WAYS TO HELP US AVOID FEELING HURT BY OTHERS: PART I

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

Life is filled with pitfalls that trap us when we rely on pure emotion rather than cool analysis to make sense of things.

Consider, for example, how many ways our feelings can get hurt in the course of a typical day: directly, such as by someone’s words or actions that offend us; or indirectly, such as when there is nothing said or done that we expected and hoped for.

Either way, how deeply our feelings are hurt depends entirely upon how we react to these situations.

One of my favorite sayings has long been, “You cannot control what others do to you. You can only control how you react to what others do to you.” I’m paraphrasing it here, for the basic idea has probably been expressed in different words by others.

Throughout my professional career, and in personal situations as well, these wise, practical words have helped me maintain my composure and shield my feelings from being bruised.

Controlling Your Reactions to Others

As a school administrator in Southern California for 18 years, I often had to deal with situations that put me on the proverbial firing line. I was a leader, and that automatically made me responsible not only for my own policies and decisions, but for any negative or controversial actions that others under my supervision undertook.

Thus, conflict was an aspect of my job, and opportunities were rife for me to feel attacked, unappreciated, and offended.  I had many “stakeholders,” or clients: students, teachers, other site staff, parents, my supervisors, and school board members. My feelings could be hurt by the words or actions, or lack thereof, of literally over a thousand people on any given day.

I would be dishonest if I said that my feelings were never hurt. No leader goes emotionally unscathed. However, I’m being honest when I say that my focus on my reaction toward others helped me tremendously, and often, in not allowing my feelings to be hurt. Notice two key words here: “not allowing.”

This is the crux of the matter: Who is in charge of my feelings? Does someone else force me to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed? If I feel those emotions, did someone else force that upon me, or did I allow myself to feel that way? Again, it comes back to:  Who is in charge of my feelings?

The Powerful Effect of Being in Charge

Not allowing our personal feelings to be dictated by others is one of the most powerful attributes that a civilized society can have. As an extreme example, “mob rule,” or “mob contagion,” allows others to dictate our emotions, with devastating, even deadly, effects.

Mass suicides, riots, and group brutality occur because, fundamentally, the participants in those horrific events gave up their individual ability to control their emotions. They “got swept away” by “the heat of the moment,” and “groupthink” took over. This is admittedly an extreme example, but history is filled with this tragic phenomenon.

On an everyday level, controlling our reactions to what others say and do toward us helps defuse a possibly hostile event. Whatever the damage done by the other person, you can minimize the fallout. You can nurture a calm, respectful environment rather than an offensive one. You can set an example of personal dignity and self-control to observers as well as to the offending person. You might also win over an enemy by helping the offending individual “save face” as you avoid conflict with him or her. Remember that the best way to lose an enemy, according to folk wisdom, is to make him or her your friend.

Overall, focusing on these positive outcomes dictated by your own choice of behavior and reaction helps you to emerge with your self-esteem and dignity more intact than if you had responded in kind to the offending person…or if you had simply allowed your feelings to be hurt.

By choosing your reaction, you are able to choose peace over adversity, serenity over agitation, professionalism over pettiness, and graciousness over thoughtlessness. What’s not to like about these choices?

The very act of choosing these reactions strengthens your resolve to do so again. Your self-image becomes more firmly established in your mind, and your public image is also enhanced.  This dual action helps diminish any hurt you might feel. You become stronger, better able to face future adversity, criticism, or disagreement.

It Isn’t Always Easy

It isn’t easy to acquire this habit. It requires focus and commitment; but, as with many things in life, practice makes perfect. Another strategy that helps us prevent getting our feelings hurt—“developing a thick skin,” or becoming less sensitive to real or perceived offenses—also occurs through practice and often results from making the choices above.

Follow the Role Models!

President Barack Obama is often called “No-Drama Obama,” a nickname that attests to his ability to choose calm, measured responses to attacks against him. During the presidential campaign, when Sarah Palin indirectly accused him of being a terrorist, Obama did not retaliate with equal vitriol.

Whether or not his feelings were hurt, what we witnessed was his choice of reaction to her words: dignity, professionalism, and a focus on important issues rather than her pettiness. Obama is but one role model to emulate.

Undoubtedly, there will be times when others’ words or actions toward us will require an aggressive response, with or without hurt feelings. Still, the admonition to control what we can will serve us all as we strive to become an increasingly civil, rational, progressive society.