Don’t Take It Personally – But What About When Others Do?
When we learn that 1) we don’t have to internalize others’ actions, and that 2) what others do don’t necessarily have anything to do with us, we may then think that we don’t have any responsibility for the way we act and how others take it.
I could write a BOOK on how intertwined Latinas become with their emotions and those close to them, so yes, I am encouraging you to pull back a little bit and get some perspective.
However, at the same time, we are all *always* responsible for our own actions, because our actions create *who we are in the world.*
So, while I would encourage you to question it when someone says, “You made me feel that way!” I would also make sure that your actions were in alignment with who you truly are.
You are not responsible for others’ interpretations. You certainly don’t have to fall into the trap that those around you set when they try to “guilt trip” you into doing something.
The trick is to find that happy medium. Are you really spending your time each day doing what is for your best and highest purpose? Or are you allowing others to determine how you “should” spend your time because of THEIR wants and needs?
When it comes to the skill of being able to clearly see our boundaries (more on this in upcoming months!) and require others, as well as ourselves, to adhere to them, it’s about making sure you are true to yourself. | |
For example, if your mother is telling you to spend time with a certain prima because she “needs” you (and perhaps because your tia asked your mom to pressure you to do so), ask yourself: Is this what I want to do? Does she want my company, support and presence? Do I have other competing concerns that might keep me from this?
If your prima is in some bad s*** and doesn’t want your help and by hanging out with her you could get YOURSELF in trouble (and lose your financial aid to go to school), then maybe this is *not* what you want to do. Even if your mami tells you that you’ve “made” her feel terrible and you’re turning your back on your family, etc.
On the other hand, while you know that you don’t have to do something because someone else will “feel bad”, you might want to! Maybe your prima just needs some guidance, looks up to you, and if you spent some time just listening to her and hanging out, she could see some other options. So you choose to spend time with her because of who YOU want to be, not because you “have” to.
Hopefully, we can all learn to distinguish when our feelings are truly our own and neither take on others’ feelings, nor impose ours on those around us.
When we can have clear communication, we can actually become *closer* to the ones we love without resentment, guilt, shame or negativity. And don’t we all just want to enjoy our families and know that what we say is what we mean, and saying “no” is ok, even to them?
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