USING EMPATHY TO AVOID
HURT FEELINGS: PART II
By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.
In my blog, “Ways to Help Us Avoid Feeling Hurt by Others: Part I,” I focused on controlling our emotional reactions toward others’ hurtful behavior. Here, my focus is on understanding the feelings and motivations of offensive people. Using empathy in this way, especially if used along with my advice in Part I, will help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.
The Importance of Empathy in Interactions
From the Greek word for “passion,” empathy is defined by Webster’s Dictionary II as identification with, and understanding of, another’s feelings, situation, and motives. Folk wisdom tells metaphorically of Native Americans “walking a mile in [another’s] moccasins” to understand that individual’s experience. This avowed practice attests to the importance of “putting ourselves” in someone else’s situation to fully understand it.
In our competitive, frenetic society, however, we often skip this important step in human interaction, especially when confrontation occurs. The inclination is to jump to conclusions about motives, rely on stereotypes and past actions, or merely disregard another’s input simply because we disagree with it.
Eventually, these harried shortcuts build on one another and lead to cumulative misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Whether on a massive scale—such as in the hostility between Israel and Palestine—or on a small, personal scale, not having empathy for others, especially those with whom we disagree, is highly detrimental.
Empathy in Action: A Real Scenario
No one has a magical solution to Middle East problems, of course. But we can practice empathy at work and home to avoid negativity. Here’s an example of how I used this technique as a school administrator for 18 years.
Parent X is upset with me for disciplining her son, who was in a fight at school and engaged in other transgressions. The loud, angry parent accuses me of being prejudiced toward her child and “rigid” in applying rules. These are hurtful comments. I could allow myself to feel hurt or angry, and I probably would respond to her negatively. As I listen to her in my office, I focus on my choices and on being empathetic.
I know her son well. He is defiant, hot-tempered, and bullyish. I can see by the parent-child interaction in my office that he is equally disrespectful and defiant toward her. I allow her to vent, to express her opinions to me for several minutes. I listen attentively and take notes. I picture her at home with her son, after a long day at work, for I know she’s a single mom.
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I imagine the confrontations she has with her child, and the patience it takes to balance her needs, his needs, and their mutual well-being. I watch her body language. She is tired and exasperated. I recall other conferences I have had with her and comments she has made to me. This parent is hard-working but is struggling at home and on the job. Her child’s misbehavior at home is not helping her feel better about herself or their life.
Parent X is more upset at her son, and at the added inconvenience his misbehavior has caused in their life, than she is angry at me. I believe that her maternal instincts are requiring her to advocate for her son, though she knows his transgressions. Putting myself in her shoes, I can also imagine the embarrassment she might be feeling. Overall, I am trying to understand her feelings, her situation, and her motives. I am trying to be empathetic.
The Results with Parent X
The process of being empathetic did not take as long as it appears on paper here. The entire conference with Parent X took 20 minutes, with the outcome as follows.
When she finished talking, I acknowledged several things she needed to hear, though she did not refer to these directly: the difficulty of being a single parent, especially in a hard economy, and especially for a mother raising a son; the challenge of balancing a job and family life; and the lack of time and energy after a day on the job, with further obligations at home. These situations all impacted her comments toward me.
I also acknowledged the importance of her son’s success and the challenges he faced. I assured her that, like her, I wanted her son to have a good life at school, to be respected by adults and peers, and to feel good about himself. This affirmation helped her realize that I was not prejudiced against her son and was on the same page as she was.
Finally, I acknowledged her importance in her child’s success and how much I appreciated the time she had taken to meet with me. I welcomed her involvement in our school and gave her my phone numbers. I also made sure she understood how we were trying to assist her son. Last but not least, I told her son how fortunate he was to have such a caring mother.
When Parent X left my office, she was calm and relaxed. Although the disciplinary measures for her son occurred nonetheless, the parent now understood the situation better. More important, she felt respected, appreciated, and more empowered to give future input regarding her son’s school career. These outcomes were much more important than how my feelings might have been hurt by her words.
Again: Practice Makes Perfect!
Seeking to build empathy for others is time-consuming and difficult at first, but practice makes it easier. Focusing on trying to understand the feelings, situations, and motives of others makes us concentrate on what is truly important: a full grasp of the situation at hand in a way that brings positive results for as many people as possible. Conversely, not practicing empathy is far more deleterious to our society than is the effort of learning how to be empathetic. |
