More Thoughts on All Experiences Bring You Something
From New Contributing Blogger, Carmen Mojica
“To thine own self be true.” – Shakespeare
As I reflect on the last two years of my life, a lot of emotions come with it. there is a certain level of sadness for the relationships that have fallen apart. There is frustration over the amount of times I’ve had to pack all my belongings and leave due to being unable to stay where I am.
There is anger towards people who can’t understand or respect what I’m about. Yet, past all of those emotions is a satisfaction that cannot be taken from me – the satisfaction of knowing that I have learned how to be true to myself.
Often times, taking a stand for the things you believe in can be hard and even a bit scary. You have to deal with a lot of adversity from friends and family, and even have to experience the loss of some of them.
I have always been a willful individual. It is hard for me to ignore my gut and ignore who I am, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I remember in college when I first began my spiritual practice. I was free for the first time in my life to explore other religions outside of Catholicism.
I was raised strictly Catholic for as long as I can remember. My whole family adheres to the religion. Me, on the other hand, have always been interested in other faiths from a young age.
Having the freedom finally to express it without the fear of being reprimanded was essential to my growth. Through studying other paths of worship, I learned a lot about consciousness, being present and evolving as a woman.
Part of the reason I have been able to get past the self-hatred I battled with in my life, as well as the severe depression that enveloped my life in high school, was because of my yoga practice and studies of other scriptures. I was happy with my growth upon graduating, yet I had the feeling that it would not go over well at home.
I remember on the eve of my graduation, I looked my mom in the eyes and told her that I didn’t want to have issues because of how different I was. At the time, I was referring to changes in my life such as being more like a “hippie”, which meant being very laidback about how I dressed and reacted to life in general.
Within the first few weeks of being back home after college, that became an instant problem. My mother wanted me to be more dainty and ladylike, and my only response came in the form of complete indifference to subscribing to materialism. | |
 Just 3 months in, my mother stumbled upon my books on witchcraft and had a fit. The whole thing was more dramatic than it had to be but my mother, being a devout Catholic, was absolutely scandalized. She made it clear that she was vehemently against my interest in spirituality outside of hers, and told me she accepted me as her daughter but not what I believed in. In tears, I packed all my things and left.
I spent a year traveling from place to place, upset and angry that religion had driven a wedge between her and I. But there was just no way to compromise. I could not lie to myself and give up my books so she could be happy.
Because of it, life has been awfully interesting. Leaving forced me to grow up in many ways. But it has been hard. Not having a stable home while pursing my dreams of being an established author and artist has been a challenge but despite all the odds, I was able to complete my literary work and expand my worldview.
Towards the end of last year, I had to make a tough decision to move back home. The time away from my mother helped our relationship a lot, and I thought going home again would be less dramatic than last time.
For the first 3 months everything was alright. My mom still did not like my “hippie” ways but did not nitpick at them as much as she did the first time around.
But my spirituality was still not okay. I had to put all my books on spirituality in my friend’s house. I had to practice outside of the house, as she made it clear that it was not allowed in her house. I obliged as best as I could to her rules, even though I felt incredibly stifled and restrained. I assuaged her demands on my spirit just to have peace in the house. I had no intentions of staying there to live but knew the arrangement was temporary.
It broke my heart when she flipped out one day and told me I was worshipping the devil. Again, she said she could not accept the fact that I was of a different creed than her. And again, I packed all my things and left.
The whole situation is upsetting. I have often found myself asking if I could have done something different or anything in that vein. All I wanted was for my mom to be okay with who I am. Yet, as painful as this experience has been, it was not pointless for me to go through this.
I have realized that I am who I am, regardless of who likes it. And I cannot be someone else just to make someone happy. With all the obstacles and situations that I have experienced because of my identity, I am happy to be following my own path.
To learn more about Carmen, see her full bio page here. |
