Don’t Take It Personally – A Simple Lesson from Wabi Sabi

A friend of mine recently introduced me to the concept of Wabi Sabi, a concept originated in Japan, that teaches us to see the beauty in imperfection.  (There’s obviously a lot more to the philosophy; however, that is a simple overview.)

We are all imperfect, and there is so much beauty and possibility in imperfection.  It is actually through the things that are NOT perfect in our lives that we learn the most.  And this goes for the imperfect people around us…

A wise Wabi Sabi teacher explained it like this.

“When we are upset, it’s easy to blame others.  The true cause of our feelings, however, is within us.  For example, imagine yourself as a glass of water.

Now, imagine past negative experiences as sediment in the bottom of your glass.  Next, think of an unpleasant situation as a spoon.

When the spoon stirs, the sediment clouds your water.  It may appear that the spoon caused the water to cloud – but if there were no sediment, the water would remain clear.

Even if we remove the spoon, our sediment still remains – lying in wait for the next spoon to appear.

On the other hand, if we remove our sediment, then no matter how a spoon may stir, our water will remain clear.”*

How differently we think about our own and others’ reactions if we can understand this simple foundational idea.

When we take things personally, we are actually reacting to the events in the PAST, and allowing them to muddy the waters.  Instead, what if we saw that our reactions come from *within* us, and the same is true for others, as well.

It is difficult, in the moment, to be clear with who we are, what is our own “stuff” and what we need to do in reaction to others’ “stuff” – and as Latinas, the boundaries can be especially blurry.

This lesson, the lesson of making sure that you don’t take in and hold things that you don’t need to, that don’t belong to you, and that you release things you want and need to let go of, is a fundamentally important one.

This one lesson – simple in its conveyance and at times seemingly impossible to enact – can bring so much peace and joy.

Make sure you’re clear about the distinction between the sediment and the spoon…

*From the book: Living Wabi Sabi: The True Beauty of Your Life by Taro Gold

Don’t Take It Personally – But What About When Others Do?

When we learn that 1) we don’t have to internalize others’ actions, and that 2) what others do don’t necessarily have anything to do with us, we may then think that we don’t have any responsibility for the way we act and how others take it.

I could write a BOOK on how intertwined Latinas become with their emotions and those close to them, so yes, I am encouraging you to pull back a little bit and get some perspective.

However, at the same time, we are all *always* responsible for our own actions, because our actions create *who we are in the world.*

So, while I would encourage you to question it when someone says, “You made me feel that way!” I would also make sure that your actions were in alignment with who you truly are.

You are not responsible for others’ interpretations.  You certainly don’t have to fall into the trap that those around you set when they try to “guilt trip” you into doing something.

The trick is to find that happy medium.  Are you really spending your time each day doing what is for your best and highest purpose?  Or are you allowing others to determine how you “should” spend your time because of THEIR wants and needs?

When it comes to the skill of being able to clearly see our boundaries (more on this in upcoming months!) and require others, as well as ourselves, to adhere to them, it’s about making sure you are true to yourself.

For example, if your mother is telling you to spend time with a certain prima because she “needs” you (and perhaps because your tia asked your mom to pressure you to do so), ask yourself:  Is this what I want to do?  Does she want my company, support and presence?  Do I have other competing concerns that might keep me from this?

If your prima is in some bad s*** and doesn’t want your help and by hanging out with her you could get YOURSELF in trouble (and lose your financial aid to go to school), then maybe this is *not* what you want to do.  Even if your mami tells you that you’ve “made” her feel terrible and you’re turning your back on your family, etc.

On the other hand, while you know that you don’t have to do something because someone else will “feel bad”, you might want to!  Maybe your prima just needs some guidance, looks up to you, and if you spent some time just listening to her and hanging out, she could see some other options.  So you choose to spend time with her because of who YOU want to be, not because you “have” to.

Hopefully, we can all learn to distinguish when our feelings are truly our own and neither take on others’ feelings, nor impose ours on those around us.

When we can have clear communication, we can actually become *closer* to the ones we love without resentment, guilt, shame or negativity.  And don’t we all just want to enjoy our families and know that what we say is what we mean, and saying “no” is ok, even to them?

Shore Up Your Resources — Don’t Take It Personally

Ok, so assuming for a moment that you agree that we need to connect with others, exercise empathy and avoid hurt feelings, how do we DO that?

It’s one thing to intellectually know that this is important, but we also have to learn to stay grounded at the moment that a strong emotion strikes.  One of the best ways I know of to keep myself connected with my own emotions and focused on the things that are important to me is by listening to uplifting, supportive and inspiring music!

Today, I’m going to share with you some of my favorite artists, some songs for you to check out, and even a few lyrics.  Now, music is just *one* of many resources you can use to center yourself.  I’m sure you can think of others — working out, calling a friend, hugging a child, etc.

However, for me, it is often the easiest, most immediate (it only takes a few minutes to listen to a song!) and perhaps one of the few entirely within my control.

So, when someone really “gets” to me, I may turn on Luis Fonsi’s Abrazar la Vida.  What a lovely song, where he talks about not needing to be anyone else, but just enjoying who YOU are, and walking forward even into the challenges of life.

Another favorite artist is India.Arie.  I *love* her music and she seems to capture the emotions of many a circumstance.  One song that is beautiful is Wings of Forgiveness, where she reminds us that yes, we’re only human, and at the same time the key to peace is to let go, and forgive.

If I just need to shake myself up a little bit, Paulina Rubio has a great song Baila Que Baila in which she says, hey, sometimes you just gotta shake your booty to get out of a funk!  I know that’s for sure true for me, at times. 

I just recently was introduced to the amazing artist Faith Rivera who has a whole collection of motivational music, which is also very hip and cool.  She’s got some amazing sounds, and even more wonderful lyrics.  I love the song Child of the Universe, where she reminds us that the entire world is conspiring to help, support and take care of us.  Wow!

Thalia’s Mujer Latina is a great song to remind you of your roots, instill pride and have fun with!

In addition to the above, I am always looking for new songs that are supremely positive that I can add to my collection.  I use as my guide songs that have lyrics that are totally positive (don’t denigrate or insult others), and remind me of all the things I have to be grateful for.  I’d love to hear from you what songs you enjoy!

Music is also a medium that has such an interesting way of staying in our memory.  Many times, I don’t even have to hear an entire song to be reminded of the feelings it evokes in me.  Think, for example, of the songs you heard when you were in high school.  I’ll bet you can remember almost every lyric — once the music starts playing.

This is a fun exercise to play with.  I encourage you to search for your own song list, and burn for yourself a “Positive Song CD” that you can pop in and listen to (or save it on your iPod) whenever you need a little boost.

And then, of course, there’s the greats, like Gloria Estefan and Celia Cruz.  From Celia’s Rie y Llore, she reminds us that we may laugh, we may cry, everything has its time.  We have to live life and enjoy it all…  Rie, llora, que a cada cual le llega su hora, rie, llora, vive tu vida y gozala toda…

There Are SO Many Factors — Don’t Take It Personally

We all live in a busy world.  We have to pick up the kids from school, get a report done for the boss, check in on our committee work, go to church, buy groceries, and maybe even do our own homework.  All this in addition to making dinner, doing laundry, having ‘date night’ and trying to work out!

With everything going on in EACH of our lives, is it any wonder that sometimes we just snap?  I will admit — at times I have spoken harshly to my son…just because I was tired.  I have started to cry…because my car broke down and I didn’t know how I was going to afford to get it fixed.  I have felt ready to burst…when someone asked me to do “just one little thing” — piled on top of so many other “little things” — at work.

We are all, in a sense, overwhelmed from time to time (or maybe, all the time!) by the worlds that each of us live in.

Given that we know this for US — why is it that when someone speaks harshly to us, or looks at us funny in a meeting, or forgets to call on our birthday, we don’t automatically think, “hey, they’ve got a lot going on in their lives, too!  Let me give them a break and not assume they’re doing this to hurt me.”

Yet as Latinas, we are often so connected, so close, to many, many people in our circle.  We may have a “best friend” at work, girls we grew up with, friends from church and the community center, email buddies, and of course our significant other, and family members.

Each of us are closely tied, and yet we are also each dealing with our own dramas every day.  Que rollo!

USING EMPATHY TO AVOID HURT FEELINGS: PART II

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

In my blog, “Ways to Help Us Avoid Feeling Hurt by Others: Part I,” I focused on controlling our emotional reactions toward others’ hurtful behavior. Here, my focus is on understanding the feelings and motivations of offensive people. Using empathy in this way, especially if used along with my advice in Part I, will help you avoid getting your feelings hurt.

The Importance of Empathy in Interactions

From the Greek word for “passion,” empathy is defined by Webster’s Dictionary II as identification with, and understanding of, another’s feelings, situation, and motives. Folk wisdom tells metaphorically of Native Americans “walking a mile in [another’s] moccasins” to understand that individual’s experience. This avowed practice attests to the importance of “putting ourselves” in someone else’s situation to fully understand it.

In our competitive, frenetic society, however, we often skip this important step in human interaction, especially when confrontation occurs. The inclination is to jump to conclusions about motives, rely on stereotypes and past actions, or merely disregard another’s input simply because we disagree with it.

Eventually, these harried shortcuts build on one another and lead to cumulative misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Whether on a massive scale—such as in the hostility between Israel and Palestine—or on a small, personal scale, not having empathy for others, especially those with whom we disagree, is highly detrimental.

Empathy in Action: A Real Scenario

No one has a magical solution to Middle East problems, of course. But we can  practice empathy at work and home to avoid negativity. Here’s an example of how I used this technique as a school administrator for 18 years.

Parent X is upset with me for disciplining her son, who was in a fight at school and engaged in other transgressions.  The loud, angry parent accuses me of being prejudiced toward her child and “rigid” in applying rules. These are hurtful comments. I could allow myself to feel hurt or angry, and I probably would respond to her negatively. As I listen to her in my office, I focus on my choices and on being empathetic.

I know her son well. He is defiant, hot-tempered, and bullyish. I can see by the parent-child interaction in my office that he is equally disrespectful and defiant toward her. I allow her to vent, to express her opinions to me for several minutes. I listen attentively and take notes. I picture her at home with her son, after a long day at work, for I know she’s a single mom.

I imagine the confrontations she has with her child, and the patience it takes to balance her needs, his needs, and their mutual well-being. I watch her body language. She is tired and exasperated. I recall other conferences I have had with her and comments she has made to me. This parent is hard-working but is struggling at home and on the job. Her child’s misbehavior at home is not helping her feel better about herself or their life.

Parent X is more upset at her son, and at the added inconvenience his misbehavior has caused in their life, than she is angry at me. I believe that her maternal instincts are requiring her to advocate for her son, though she knows his transgressions. Putting myself in her shoes, I can also imagine the embarrassment she might be feeling. Overall, I am trying to understand her feelings, her situation, and her motives. I am trying to be empathetic.

The Results with Parent X

The process of being empathetic did not take as long as it appears on paper here.  The entire conference with Parent X took 20 minutes, with the outcome as follows.

When she finished talking, I acknowledged several things she needed to hear, though she did not refer to these directly: the difficulty of being a single parent, especially in a hard economy, and especially for a mother raising a son; the challenge of balancing a job and family life; and the lack of time and energy after a day on the job, with further obligations at home. These situations all impacted her comments toward me.

I also acknowledged the importance of her son’s success and the challenges he faced. I assured her that, like her, I wanted her son to have a good life at school, to be respected by adults and peers, and to feel good about himself.  This affirmation helped her realize that I was not prejudiced against her son and was on the same page as she was.

Finally, I acknowledged her importance in her child’s success and how much I appreciated the time she had taken to meet with me. I welcomed her involvement in our school and gave her my phone numbers. I also made sure she understood how we were trying to assist her son. Last but not least, I told her son how fortunate he was to have such a caring mother.

When Parent X left my office, she was calm and relaxed. Although the disciplinary measures for her son occurred nonetheless, the parent now understood the situation better. More important, she felt respected, appreciated, and more empowered to give future input regarding her son’s school career.  These outcomes were much more important than how my feelings might have been hurt by her words.

Again: Practice Makes Perfect!

Seeking to build empathy for others is time-consuming and difficult at first, but practice makes it easier. Focusing on trying to understand the feelings, situations, and motives of others makes us concentrate on what is truly important: a full grasp of the situation at hand in a way that brings positive results for as many people as possible. Conversely, not practicing empathy is far more deleterious to our society than is the effort of learning how to be empathetic.

WAYS TO HELP US AVOID FEELING HURT BY OTHERS: PART I

By Guest Blogger Thelma T. Reyna, Ph.D.

Life is filled with pitfalls that trap us when we rely on pure emotion rather than cool analysis to make sense of things.

Consider, for example, how many ways our feelings can get hurt in the course of a typical day: directly, such as by someone’s words or actions that offend us; or indirectly, such as when there is nothing said or done that we expected and hoped for.

Either way, how deeply our feelings are hurt depends entirely upon how we react to these situations.

One of my favorite sayings has long been, “You cannot control what others do to you. You can only control how you react to what others do to you.” I’m paraphrasing it here, for the basic idea has probably been expressed in different words by others.

Throughout my professional career, and in personal situations as well, these wise, practical words have helped me maintain my composure and shield my feelings from being bruised.

Controlling Your Reactions to Others

As a school administrator in Southern California for 18 years, I often had to deal with situations that put me on the proverbial firing line. I was a leader, and that automatically made me responsible not only for my own policies and decisions, but for any negative or controversial actions that others under my supervision undertook.

Thus, conflict was an aspect of my job, and opportunities were rife for me to feel attacked, unappreciated, and offended.  I had many “stakeholders,” or clients: students, teachers, other site staff, parents, my supervisors, and school board members. My feelings could be hurt by the words or actions, or lack thereof, of literally over a thousand people on any given day.

I would be dishonest if I said that my feelings were never hurt. No leader goes emotionally unscathed. However, I’m being honest when I say that my focus on my reaction toward others helped me tremendously, and often, in not allowing my feelings to be hurt. Notice two key words here: “not allowing.”

This is the crux of the matter: Who is in charge of my feelings? Does someone else force me to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed? If I feel those emotions, did someone else force that upon me, or did I allow myself to feel that way? Again, it comes back to:  Who is in charge of my feelings?

The Powerful Effect of Being in Charge

Not allowing our personal feelings to be dictated by others is one of the most powerful attributes that a civilized society can have. As an extreme example, “mob rule,” or “mob contagion,” allows others to dictate our emotions, with devastating, even deadly, effects.

Mass suicides, riots, and group brutality occur because, fundamentally, the participants in those horrific events gave up their individual ability to control their emotions. They “got swept away” by “the heat of the moment,” and “groupthink” took over. This is admittedly an extreme example, but history is filled with this tragic phenomenon.

On an everyday level, controlling our reactions to what others say and do toward us helps defuse a possibly hostile event. Whatever the damage done by the other person, you can minimize the fallout. You can nurture a calm, respectful environment rather than an offensive one. You can set an example of personal dignity and self-control to observers as well as to the offending person. You might also win over an enemy by helping the offending individual “save face” as you avoid conflict with him or her. Remember that the best way to lose an enemy, according to folk wisdom, is to make him or her your friend.

Overall, focusing on these positive outcomes dictated by your own choice of behavior and reaction helps you to emerge with your self-esteem and dignity more intact than if you had responded in kind to the offending person…or if you had simply allowed your feelings to be hurt.

By choosing your reaction, you are able to choose peace over adversity, serenity over agitation, professionalism over pettiness, and graciousness over thoughtlessness. What’s not to like about these choices?

The very act of choosing these reactions strengthens your resolve to do so again. Your self-image becomes more firmly established in your mind, and your public image is also enhanced.  This dual action helps diminish any hurt you might feel. You become stronger, better able to face future adversity, criticism, or disagreement.

It Isn’t Always Easy

It isn’t easy to acquire this habit. It requires focus and commitment; but, as with many things in life, practice makes perfect. Another strategy that helps us prevent getting our feelings hurt—“developing a thick skin,” or becoming less sensitive to real or perceived offenses—also occurs through practice and often results from making the choices above.

Follow the Role Models!

President Barack Obama is often called “No-Drama Obama,” a nickname that attests to his ability to choose calm, measured responses to attacks against him. During the presidential campaign, when Sarah Palin indirectly accused him of being a terrorist, Obama did not retaliate with equal vitriol.

Whether or not his feelings were hurt, what we witnessed was his choice of reaction to her words: dignity, professionalism, and a focus on important issues rather than her pettiness. Obama is but one role model to emulate.

Undoubtedly, there will be times when others’ words or actions toward us will require an aggressive response, with or without hurt feelings. Still, the admonition to control what we can will serve us all as we strive to become an increasingly civil, rational, progressive society.

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