Don’t Take It Personally – A Simple Lesson from Wabi Sabi

A friend of mine recently introduced me to the concept of Wabi Sabi, a concept originated in Japan, that teaches us to see the beauty in imperfection.  (There’s obviously a lot more to the philosophy; however, that is a simple overview.)

We are all imperfect, and there is so much beauty and possibility in imperfection.  It is actually through the things that are NOT perfect in our lives that we learn the most.  And this goes for the imperfect people around us…

A wise Wabi Sabi teacher explained it like this.

“When we are upset, it’s easy to blame others.  The true cause of our feelings, however, is within us.  For example, imagine yourself as a glass of water.

Now, imagine past negative experiences as sediment in the bottom of your glass.  Next, think of an unpleasant situation as a spoon.

When the spoon stirs, the sediment clouds your water.  It may appear that the spoon caused the water to cloud – but if there were no sediment, the water would remain clear.

Even if we remove the spoon, our sediment still remains – lying in wait for the next spoon to appear.

On the other hand, if we remove our sediment, then no matter how a spoon may stir, our water will remain clear.”*

How differently we think about our own and others’ reactions if we can understand this simple foundational idea.

When we take things personally, we are actually reacting to the events in the PAST, and allowing them to muddy the waters.  Instead, what if we saw that our reactions come from *within* us, and the same is true for others, as well.

It is difficult, in the moment, to be clear with who we are, what is our own “stuff” and what we need to do in reaction to others’ “stuff” – and as Latinas, the boundaries can be especially blurry.

This lesson, the lesson of making sure that you don’t take in and hold things that you don’t need to, that don’t belong to you, and that you release things you want and need to let go of, is a fundamentally important one.

This one lesson – simple in its conveyance and at times seemingly impossible to enact – can bring so much peace and joy.

Make sure you’re clear about the distinction between the sediment and the spoon…

*From the book: Living Wabi Sabi: The True Beauty of Your Life by Taro Gold

Don’t Take It Personally – But What About When Others Do?

When we learn that 1) we don’t have to internalize others’ actions, and that 2) what others do don’t necessarily have anything to do with us, we may then think that we don’t have any responsibility for the way we act and how others take it.

I could write a BOOK on how intertwined Latinas become with their emotions and those close to them, so yes, I am encouraging you to pull back a little bit and get some perspective.

However, at the same time, we are all *always* responsible for our own actions, because our actions create *who we are in the world.*

So, while I would encourage you to question it when someone says, “You made me feel that way!” I would also make sure that your actions were in alignment with who you truly are.

You are not responsible for others’ interpretations.  You certainly don’t have to fall into the trap that those around you set when they try to “guilt trip” you into doing something.

The trick is to find that happy medium.  Are you really spending your time each day doing what is for your best and highest purpose?  Or are you allowing others to determine how you “should” spend your time because of THEIR wants and needs?

When it comes to the skill of being able to clearly see our boundaries (more on this in upcoming months!) and require others, as well as ourselves, to adhere to them, it’s about making sure you are true to yourself.

For example, if your mother is telling you to spend time with a certain prima because she “needs” you (and perhaps because your tia asked your mom to pressure you to do so), ask yourself:  Is this what I want to do?  Does she want my company, support and presence?  Do I have other competing concerns that might keep me from this?

If your prima is in some bad s*** and doesn’t want your help and by hanging out with her you could get YOURSELF in trouble (and lose your financial aid to go to school), then maybe this is *not* what you want to do.  Even if your mami tells you that you’ve “made” her feel terrible and you’re turning your back on your family, etc.

On the other hand, while you know that you don’t have to do something because someone else will “feel bad”, you might want to!  Maybe your prima just needs some guidance, looks up to you, and if you spent some time just listening to her and hanging out, she could see some other options.  So you choose to spend time with her because of who YOU want to be, not because you “have” to.

Hopefully, we can all learn to distinguish when our feelings are truly our own and neither take on others’ feelings, nor impose ours on those around us.

When we can have clear communication, we can actually become *closer* to the ones we love without resentment, guilt, shame or negativity.  And don’t we all just want to enjoy our families and know that what we say is what we mean, and saying “no” is ok, even to them?

Shore Up Your Resources — Don’t Take It Personally

Ok, so assuming for a moment that you agree that we need to connect with others, exercise empathy and avoid hurt feelings, how do we DO that?

It’s one thing to intellectually know that this is important, but we also have to learn to stay grounded at the moment that a strong emotion strikes.  One of the best ways I know of to keep myself connected with my own emotions and focused on the things that are important to me is by listening to uplifting, supportive and inspiring music!

Today, I’m going to share with you some of my favorite artists, some songs for you to check out, and even a few lyrics.  Now, music is just *one* of many resources you can use to center yourself.  I’m sure you can think of others — working out, calling a friend, hugging a child, etc.

However, for me, it is often the easiest, most immediate (it only takes a few minutes to listen to a song!) and perhaps one of the few entirely within my control.

So, when someone really “gets” to me, I may turn on Luis Fonsi’s Abrazar la Vida.  What a lovely song, where he talks about not needing to be anyone else, but just enjoying who YOU are, and walking forward even into the challenges of life.

Another favorite artist is India.Arie.  I *love* her music and she seems to capture the emotions of many a circumstance.  One song that is beautiful is Wings of Forgiveness, where she reminds us that yes, we’re only human, and at the same time the key to peace is to let go, and forgive.

If I just need to shake myself up a little bit, Paulina Rubio has a great song Baila Que Baila in which she says, hey, sometimes you just gotta shake your booty to get out of a funk!  I know that’s for sure true for me, at times. 

I just recently was introduced to the amazing artist Faith Rivera who has a whole collection of motivational music, which is also very hip and cool.  She’s got some amazing sounds, and even more wonderful lyrics.  I love the song Child of the Universe, where she reminds us that the entire world is conspiring to help, support and take care of us.  Wow!

Thalia’s Mujer Latina is a great song to remind you of your roots, instill pride and have fun with!

In addition to the above, I am always looking for new songs that are supremely positive that I can add to my collection.  I use as my guide songs that have lyrics that are totally positive (don’t denigrate or insult others), and remind me of all the things I have to be grateful for.  I’d love to hear from you what songs you enjoy!

Music is also a medium that has such an interesting way of staying in our memory.  Many times, I don’t even have to hear an entire song to be reminded of the feelings it evokes in me.  Think, for example, of the songs you heard when you were in high school.  I’ll bet you can remember almost every lyric — once the music starts playing.

This is a fun exercise to play with.  I encourage you to search for your own song list, and burn for yourself a “Positive Song CD” that you can pop in and listen to (or save it on your iPod) whenever you need a little boost.

And then, of course, there’s the greats, like Gloria Estefan and Celia Cruz.  From Celia’s Rie y Llore, she reminds us that we may laugh, we may cry, everything has its time.  We have to live life and enjoy it all…  Rie, llora, que a cada cual le llega su hora, rie, llora, vive tu vida y gozala toda…

There Are SO Many Factors — Don’t Take It Personally

We all live in a busy world.  We have to pick up the kids from school, get a report done for the boss, check in on our committee work, go to church, buy groceries, and maybe even do our own homework.  All this in addition to making dinner, doing laundry, having ‘date night’ and trying to work out!

With everything going on in EACH of our lives, is it any wonder that sometimes we just snap?  I will admit — at times I have spoken harshly to my son…just because I was tired.  I have started to cry…because my car broke down and I didn’t know how I was going to afford to get it fixed.  I have felt ready to burst…when someone asked me to do “just one little thing” — piled on top of so many other “little things” — at work.

We are all, in a sense, overwhelmed from time to time (or maybe, all the time!) by the worlds that each of us live in.

Given that we know this for US — why is it that when someone speaks harshly to us, or looks at us funny in a meeting, or forgets to call on our birthday, we don’t automatically think, “hey, they’ve got a lot going on in their lives, too!  Let me give them a break and not assume they’re doing this to hurt me.”

Yet as Latinas, we are often so connected, so close, to many, many people in our circle.  We may have a “best friend” at work, girls we grew up with, friends from church and the community center, email buddies, and of course our significant other, and family members.

Each of us are closely tied, and yet we are also each dealing with our own dramas every day.  Que rollo!

Theme of the Month: Don’t Take It Personally

“It’s not all about You!” While this phrase is often hurled with venom, intending to hurt someone, actually the truth in this statement can also be immensely healing.

Over the course of my life, I have had many events that were personally “hurtful” to me, that when I was able to view them later through a different lens, they became much more understandable and MUCH less painful.

Situations from my past that I previously “took personally” (paternal abandonment, an abusive relationship) became much easier to understand and heal once I realized that I was attributing meanings to others that were unnecessary and not there.  When we believe that people are doing things “to” us, we are taking on too much and only hurt ourselves.

When people around us, particularly our families and loved ones, do things that hurt us, we often make the mistaken assumption they are doing things to deliberately hurt us.

However, this is rarely the case.  In fact, most times (always?), people are taking actions to meet their OWN needs for contribution, care, respect, or whatever else it is they feel they want in their own lives.  They rarely set out to destroy our lives – let’s leave this to the novelas!

It’s when we fail to see that people are simply doing things to try to meet their own needs – without wrapping ourselves up in attributing meanings to a person or making assumptions that their motives are about US – that we mistakenly take on too much.

And, when we are able to see these situations clearly, we are also able to identify our own feelings and needs and take care of ourselves.

Because these situations are complex, and I don’t have a ton of space in a blog post to describe all the nuances, I hope you’ll at least open your mind to the concept.

Sometimes, it’s a simple shift in mindset that can make all the difference in the world.

Let me give an example:  My father left our family I was 13 years old.  He came to where I was working that summer, hugged me, told me he loved me, and that he was going camping.

In actuality, although he had told my mother the same thing, he took all his stuff, moved to another state, and I only saw him two other times before he passed away when I was 19.

Obviously, our family was sad, hurt and felt betrayed.  However, now, many years later, I know that he made these decisions to try and meet his own needs for connection, love, and appreciation.

Although his actions had an effect on our family (and on my mother much more than myself), I can look back now and know for certain that he did NOT take these actions as a deliberate attempt to try to hurt any of us.

In fact, he did things to try to help us and mitigate the influence his actions had.

Now, do I agree with the strategies he used to try and get his needs met?  Well, they’re certainly not ones I would have used.  At the same time, when I take my own self out of it, I can understand that the circumstance was not “all about me” – far from it!

And I can also see that there are strategies many of us use – including me! – that don’t always get us the outcome we want…

How many experiences and events in our lives could we learn to see from a different vantage point if we realized it was not “all about us”?

The theme of “Don’t take it personally” is not to suggest that you have a lack of feeling.  Rather, I encourage you to put things into perspective for yourself.

This can help you to start healing, and also helps in our current relationships to be able to hold things a little more “loosely”.

Following up on the theme from last month, All Experiences Bring You Something, this month’s theme is likewise very important, and related in some interesting ways.

I hope that our discussions will be helpful to you!

Note:  There will be no newsletter Monday – Happy Fourth of July! – but look for us the end of next week.

What are *Y*O*U*R* Questions about All Experiences Bring You Something?

I look forward to speaking with many of you on Monday!  I have had some interesting questions submitted for our discussion, and wanted to encourage you to think about what your questions are about what your own experiences are “supposed” to, or actually do, bring you.

Some of you shared your own struggles with me, and I have to say that many of you have overcome much more than I have!

For those for whom it’s useful, I’ll be talking a little bit about my own experiences as a teenage single mother on welfare, in an abusive relationship, and what came out of those experiences for me personally.  There’s more to the story, so you’ll want to be there to get the details.  :-)  I am open to answering specific questions people may have about my experiences, and I’ve never done that in an open forum before, so take advantage of the opportunity.

I will also invite you to share, if you’d like to, some of your experiences and what you’ve taken out of them.  Note:  These do NOT have to be sad, unpleasant, or difficult experiences.  They can also be positive ones!

Some women have given me permission to share some of their stories, and we’ll do that, as well.  We will also be answering some questions that people have posed together, in the group.

Among questions women have submitted are the following:  What good can come out of truly awful circumstances (such as harm to children)?  How do we share the life lessons we’ve learned (often out of difficult situations) with others who have not had the same experiences (such as our own children)?

What do we get out of the negative ways in which Latinas are sometimes treated in both society and within our culture and our families?  How do we work to change these cultural beliefs and behaviors that harm Latinas?

How do we turn our own experiences into strengths and get the most out of them?  How does one stay inspired?

One woman spoke of turning 40, and how she wants to discuss being at the time in her life that used to be called “midlife” (as in, “midlife crisis”) and is now called “the age of miracles.”

Wherever you are, whatever your own experiences, and whichever issues are of interest to you, I’d invite you to sign up now for the call – and invite your friends and family to sign up, too!  I look forward to speaking with you, learning from you, and sharing with each other.

As Latinas, we have so much to offer each other.  Let’s gather together to make the most of our community and our time.

When:  Monday, June 21

Time:  5 p.m. PDT, 8 p.m. EDT

Click here to  sign up now.

And of course, if you’re not available at that time, sign up anyway, and we’ll send you the recording!

5 Lessons from Positive Experiences

When we talk about all experiences bringing you something, one might think that we’re only referring to negative experiences, but let’s think about what we get from the positive…!

All positive experiences bring us 5 key things, in *addition* to what each of them may individually bring to you.  For example, all positive 
experiences bring you something that is unique to that moment.  
Holding your baby for the first time, graduating from an educational institution, or even just a day at the beach — each of these things are positive and bring a unique flavor to our lives.  So that unique experience — that moment — is special in and of itself.

However, positive experiences in general also give us so much more.  
Let’s reflect.

1.  Gratitude

How often do you take a moment to simply *be* in the moment and have gratitude for a unique, wonderful, beautiful experience?  Whether it be a wonderful meal, which reminds you that you can smell and taste, and that you have enough food to eat, or reading a good book, which reminds you that you can read and think and imagine and have the access to books.  Every moment that is good reminds us of the bigger picture of our lives, and can be a reason to be grateful for all we have.

2.  Appreciation

In addition to the moment itself, and giving a sense of gratitude for everything in your life, we can also appreciate the specific people, things or places that came together to create that moment for us.  For example, perhaps your lover cooked that amazing meal for you, and you can offer appreciation to him or her for that sweet gesture.  Or perhaps the music playing that moves you was written by a talented group of artists.  Likewise, you can feel appreciation not only for your ability to experience what they have to offer, but also for the particular humans on the planet that brought that experience to you!

3.  A Sense of Possibility

When we are up, and have a positive experience, we know that more are 
possible.  By having a good time, we know that it can happen again.  
When we are in a good space, we have optimism that things can be good, we dream bigger and have hope.  This ability to experience one good thing keeps us holding on for more of the same.  And as we learn what pleases us, we can create more of that in our lives.  As you find out you love jazz, or Indian food, or hiking, or volunteering, you are able to think to yourself, “Wow!  How much else is out there that can bring me joy?”

4.  Perspective

Often when we’re in a good space, it allows us to see how much better off we truly are than many others in the world.  If you are able to read, have access to a computer, and live where there is running water, we’re doing so much better than millions of people in the world.  Sometimes we lose that perspective.  However, when we’re happy, we can remind ourselves of the blessings we have and this is more than just gratitude or appreciation.  Rather, we can see things with a broader, bigger and fuller perspective.

5.  A Wonderful Memory — Positive Experiences Create More Joy!

Pure bliss, joy, and peace.  When you have a positive experience, you carry that moment with you and you can call it up and relive it at ANY time you want to.  Since we all have a memory bank full of all sorts of memories, why not call on the good ones to bring us back more fully and more often to that place of happiness and contentment?  It’s those small moments of excitement, pleasure, interest, and so on that create the fabric of our lives.

So as you move through your life and have wonderful moments of being YOU, make sure you keep the lessons from those happy, shining moments, as well as the lessons from the darker ones.  ALL experiences bring you something…

Are You Graduating?

This month, we are surrounded by many people “graduating” from one level to the next.  Last month my son graduated from college, and this month, many are graduating from high school (including some friend’s children).  [Ok, ok, I'm getting old -- I know!]

But in reality, we are always “graduating” from one level to the next.  Although we often think of graduation as the conferral of a degree or diploma, to “graduate” really means “To advance to a new level of skill, achievement, or activity.”

What have you grown out of that you leave (or need to leave!) behind?

Sometimes we “graduate” out of friendships, marriages, jobs, relationships, houses and levels of income.  At each step, we launch ourselves into something new.  Sometimes we are prepared for the new level, and sometimes we don’t even know we’re graduating, and keep on doing things the same way we did before.

I know at times in my past, I “graduated” beyond a certain level, but was holding on so hard to the old ways, that I forgot I needed to learn new methods to be able to keep up with where I was now.

Graduating to new levels can be difficult.  However, the *process* is part of the growth cycle.

When a caterpillar goes into a chrysalis, it seems as if they are doing “nothing” — they are simply inactive.  But how far from the truth!  In reality, this stage of quiet is allowing the growth and complete transformation into something new!

However, if you’ve ever watched a new butterfly emerge out of the chrysalis, it has to fight hard to do so.  It cannot emerge without a lot of struggle.

In spite of the difficulty, this step in the process is a necessity.  For those butterflies that have had the chrysalis cut off from them (seemingly making the process “easier”), they were weaker, their wings aren’t ready, and they die.

What a metaphor for life.  Although cliche, it is so true.  This month, as we reflect on our theme of All Experiences Bring You Something, think about where you are in your life.  In what areas are you ready to “graduate” to the next level?  Where have you graduated to already, and are you embracing those new skills, or holding on to your old methods?

I know that I am also continuing to “graduate” from one level to the next — continually learning, growing and changing.  At it’s not always easy!  I am chagrined, at times, to see where I have refused to change and grow, and have to remind myself to let go of old habits, patterns and ways that no longer serve me…

For those of you who would like to have a conversation about how “All Experiences Bring You Something”, I will be hosting an open Q&A call June 21st on this theme, including answering questions about my own history!  Click here to sign up now for this call, and you will be sent the call in details.  And if you miss the call, don’t worry, we will send you the recording.

And if you missed the first blog post of this month’s theme, click here to read it now!

Theme of the Month: All Experiences Bring You Something

As we go through our lives, we experiences our ups and downs, things that are both bitter and sweet, and things that bring both pain and pleasure.  But no matter what, who we are is created by our RESPONSE to these experiences – they all bring us something…

I am sure that, if you’re like me, you’ve had some experiences that have left you breathless…for both good and bad reasons.  All experiences are a foundation upon which we build our understanding.

Our experiences allow us to know what love is (not just what we read or hear about love).  Our experiences allow us to taste chocolate, walk in the rain, dance to music, and cry with a good friend.

While we have a variety of ways in which we ingest these experiences, we all know that you cannot adequately describe the color blue, what it feels like to dive into a pool on a hot summer’s day, or what it means to be Latina.

These experiences have to be LIVED, to be experienced, and those experiences bring us something.  What those experiences do for us, however, is completely up to us.

Have you had your heart broken?  Eaten a rotten piece of fruit?  Or been betrayed by a friend?

Have you even been laughed at?  Made fun of?  Or failed at something you really, really wanted?

Could you adequately describe those things?

When we pick ourselves up from difficult times, we get to *choose* what those experiences will mean for our world view.  Will we choose to fundamentally view the world as good, or bad?  Will we decide to try again…or simply give up?

Likewise, have you ever eaten a warm cookie, fresh out of the oven?  Hugged a wriggling, squirming puppy that is desperately trying to lick your face?  Woken up on a cold morning snuggled under a warm comforter?

Do you take those experiences for granted, as something that is your due, and “owed” to you?  Or do you choose to accept them with gratitude, and appreciation, and with the joy of knowing that you CAN have those experiences?

This month, we will reflect on what our experiences have brought, how we interpret what’s happened in our lives, and how we’ve chosen to craft what those experiences mean, and how we will move forward…

You are Your Own “Power Broker”

As I’ve been going around the country and asking women to finish the phrase, “I am a Powerful Latina because…” I have gotten some amazing answers!

Latinas have spoken about their personal histories (as an immigrant, for example), the histories of their families (often referencing mothers and grandmothers), and the histories of their communities (sometimes their communities of national origin, and sometimes the local community where they live, work and may have grown up).

Latinas have also spoken about their professions — how they help others to accomplish their goals, how they support an organization or a community, and how much they’ve accomplished.  Latinas have spoken about the work they do and how much there still is to do!

Latinas have spoken about their roles – as a daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend.  Latinas have spoken about their strengths, their skills and their gifts.  And these are just a few of the responses!

We all gather our power from different places.  Each of us have our cores of power from which we draw, and this power allows us to do what we need to do in our lives.

Sometimes this well of power may seem nearly dry.  Other times we leverage our power base and feel like we can take on the world!

Our power can be ignited by anger or fueled by love.  Note, however, that fleeting emotions cannot sustain power over the long haul.

Powerful Latinas are often moved by a larger mission — being part of something that contributes to the greater good of the community as a whole.  And this mission often helps many, many people — not just Latinas and not just women.

The important thing is to tap into this power, to acknowledge and honor it, and then to utilize that power to keep you going.

Whether you realize it in each moment or not, YOU are a Powerful Latina, and those sources of power help you to build the kind of culture you want to see going forward.  We often think of culture as “out there” instead of “in here”  – inside each one of us.

When I interviewed Maria Hinojosa (Senior Correspondent for the acclaimed series NOW on PBS, and anchor and managing editor of NPR’s Latino USA), she reminded us that you have to be responsible for pumping yourself up.  Although you may get this in part from others, Maria shared that at the end of the day, you need to be able to do this for yourself.  Women all over the world do this, even in precarious and powerless positions.  Figure out what message you need to tell yourself (to pump yourself up).  It’s hard for all of us…

Latinas may shy away from acknowledging, and holding out their power.  I would encourage you to embrace and recognize that you are truly powerful.  This power is not about holding it over another person, nor thinking of yourself as “better than” — rather, this is about using the tools at your disposal.

Think about what makes you a Powerful Latina, and be ready to answer the question on video when I see you!  :)  In this way we can encourage and support each other in celebrating our power and how we best want to use it.

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