Unspoken Expectations

When we say someone “betrayed” us, we are making a judgment call.  We are in effect saying their values are not the same as ours, or they did not live up to something they agreed to do.  The issue is often that these expectations are unspoken.  So we may believe someone betrayed us, when in reality we never had the same expectations they did to begin with.

For example, have you ever known someone who started to date someone and then found out that their new “boyfriend/girlfriend” was also dating others?  The expectation when you start dating someone that you will be spending time with only that one other person is an example of a time we often have unspoken expectations.

It’s hard, right?  I mean, to have a conversation with someone you’ve just started seeing about if you both are going to see each other exclusively or not can be difficult.  On the one hand, most people appreciate clarity and straghtforwardness in their relationships, and on the other hand, it can be difficult to bring something up too soon.  What if the other person is still making up their mind?  By expressing your wishes will you push them away?  Or draw them closer?

Often we have fear of negative repercussions if we state our expectations clearly and make a request of someone else.  But if the expectations aren’t up front and out there, then how can one know if another is in agreement?  And if the other party does agree to stated expectations and then does something different, we may wonder if we truly ever had an agreement.

Also in relationships, let’s talk about when a betrayal happens with unspoken expectations such that a person feels that the person”betraying” them didn’t respect their contributions, for example.   When you put your heart and soul into a project, a relationship or a commitment, and another person doesn’t respect, honor or appreciate your contributions, it can feel like a betrayal because they didn’t take the time to think about what it would mean to behave a certain way.

For example, many times “betrayals” happen when one person is careless with the relationship and doesn’t put the same worth on it that another does.  If one lover is working hard, contributing financially and wanting to spend time with the other person, but the partner spends money carelessly, chooses to spend time away from home (and not with their beloved) and doesn’t acknowledge and appreciate the other’s contributions, the actions in total can feel like a betrayal — not of any one thing, but of the relationship as a whole.

How often do we allow the “little things” to add up over time to become a big break in a relationship?  And what happens when we leave our expectations unspoken?  Perhaps we should think about what these “unspoken expectations” lead us to…  Are we more prone to these unspoken messages as Latinos, or is it the same for other cultures as well?

Next time we’ll talk about the fact that “betrayal” is not a feeling.

Personal Betrayals…

When it comes to personal relationships, the word “betrayal” indicates the worst sort of breach. However, there are small betrayals and there are larger betrayals. There are lots of things we do in our lives that break the confidences and the trust in our relationships and sometimes we pay close attention to them and unfortunately, at other times we do not.

For example, has a friend ever borrowed something from you without asking? Or did your partner perhaps spend time or speak with an ex after you had both decided that he or she wasn’t going to do so? Even if it wasn’t a huge breach (and it might have been!), how did you feel? Did it change the nature of the relationship, and were you as comfortable as you had been before?

When it comes to larger betrayals, for example the telling of a secret a friend promised to keep in confidence, or the cheating of a lover with another person, these actions change the very structure of the relationship between two people and often lead to shifts from which a relationship can NEVER be the same.

You probably remember what you’ve felt like in your past when someone hurt you and performed an act that you believed you both had agreed would not happen. But what about the reverse? How have you felt when you have been the one breaching the confidence or breaking the trust?

I have to admit that I’ve been that person, at times, and I know that I have felt profound sadness, regret, shame and guilt when I have done something I promised I would not do. Not only did my actions change the relationship with the other person, but the betrayal actually changed the nature of my relationship with MYSELF.

Hopefully (in the long run) the experiences made me a better person when I decide I never want to behave a certain way again, and when I’ve taken time to analyze my behavior and the driving forces behind it. Was I simply careless (in telling a secret I promised I wouldn’t), or needing something different in our relationship — such as more autonomy or trust (when I spoke with an ex when I promised I wouldn’t), or was it my own lack of connection with my own values when making a promise I didn’t keep?

How we respond to betrayals makes up, in part, a portion of our character. Have you ever met someone who is so bitter because one person did something to them that it tainted their whole life? Or maybe you’ve met someone who hurt someone else badly and has never let go of their own guilt and remorse.

How have you responded to betrayals, both your own and someone else’s, and what have you learned from them? Do you pay attention to the small betrayals, or do you only respond when you deem something a “big deal?” If so, what constitutes a “big deal” to you?

Since I am a strong believer in learning from each other’s stories, I am requesting people’s stories f betrayal (of any sort), along with their lessons, in a short format (400 words or less).  Send them to me at aurelia@powerfullatinas.com and you will be eligible for this month’s book giveaway. The top 5 stories will be posted on the Powerful Latinas blog and you will receive a copy of the book America Libre by Raul Ramos y Sanchez.

Please send me the story along with your name and address (only your name will be used if we publish your story, but we need the address to send the book to you if you win). Also, let me know if you’d prefer I use your first name only (and any other identifying information, e.g., Liliana from Orlando, FL). I’ll be accepting stories through the end of the first week of August. Good luck!

How Does Betrayal Affect Our Relationships?

Once a betrayal happens, whether it is a perceived action taken AGAINST you or BY you, what is the outcome?  Last time we talked about the definition of betrayal (according to Wikipedia), so what happens when there is a breaking or violation of a “social contract,” trust, or confidence that produces conflict within a relationship?

Well, first of all, we pull away from the other person.  Whether we are the person breaking the social contract, or the person who believes a trust of ours has been broken, inevitably we pull away from the other person.  This breach of trust and confidence causes us to react and pull back.

Second, we re-think our expectations.  If we’re open and flexible, we might ask ourselves if the expectations (either our own or the other person’s) were expectations we both agreed upon.  We might wonder if the expectations are based on values we both hold, and how we can address expectations in the future.  If we’re not so flexible, we might look for lots of ways to justify to ourselves why we were in the right and the other person was in the wrong.  We entrench ourselves in our position and look for ways to bolster it.

Third, we make some kind of decision what to do about the relationship.  Inevitably, after some kind of betrayal, the relationship is altered and you can never go back to the way it was before.  But both parties have to decide if they will go forward and how.  Will they re-think the social contract and try to re-connect, will they agree that one person was “wrong” and make some decision about future actions, or will they pull apart permanently and stay away from each other?

In part, that’s why it’s so scary when OTHERS call you a “vendida,” right?  Because when others perceive that you have betrayed them, the relationship is forever changed, even if you didn’t want it to.  This is often the unspoken fear that young girls have when they find themselves as different.  Will they be “kicked out” of the community because they do things that others haven’t?  This applies to LOTS of things in our community, NOT just “succeeding.”

I know for myself it was scary to go to college.  Others hadn’t done that, and people would ask me, “Do you think this makes you better than us?”  I certainly didn’t think I was better, but my experiences definitely did change my perception and the way I viewed the world.

Finally, the relationship changes.  Regardless of our decision, the outcome is not completely in our hands.  After both parties make some kind of decision how to go forward, then the relationship continues in a new and different vein, and both parties have to learn to negotiate this interaction in ways they were not previously accustomed to.

Over time, my friends and family have seen that I’m always there for them and that my different experiences haven’t taken me away from them or the community.  But it took a long time, and was a difficult process.  And even now, especially when I meet someone for the first time in a setting with family for example, I can see in them they don’t know exactly how to approach me.  Sometimes it’s the fear OTHERS have of being judged, and sometimes it’s the fear of not “fitting in.”

How have betrayals affected your relationships?  Have you ever, as I have, constrained yourself so as not to seem to betray others?  How have you reacted when (if) you’ve been accused of being the betrayer?

We’ve been talking about “betrayals” in the sense of community norms and expectations regarding societal success, but in the upcoming weeks I’m going to get a little more personal and talk about interpersonal betrayals, both in our families and in romantic relationships.  Stay tuned…

What does it mean to “betray?”

Wikipedia says, “Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. Often betrayal is the act of supporting a rival group, or it is a complete break from previously decided upon or presumed norms by one party from the others. Someone who betrays others is commonly called a traitor or betrayer.”

Let’s look at those pieces one by one.  First of all, there has to be an expectation of some sort.  One party has to believe that another party will act in a certain way.  Sometimes these behaviors are explicitly stated, but many times they are not.

So, is it a betrayal if you behave in a way that is different than what others expect of you?  What if you know of their expectations, and you don’t go along?

I received a good email response regarding the newsletter I sent on Monday that pointed out that these “betrayals” can be when one person chooses to take one life path, and we take another, and the person who didn’t make the same choice as us can’t understand our choices.

But isn’t that what various people do to us (even family members!), and claim that it is a betrayal of “Latino culture” if we don’t go along with the norm?  I see this all too frequently.  Many times, those around us often EXPECT us to settle for less than we might want for ourselves, and then try to make us feel badly as if we’re betraying THEM if we go in a different direction.

Although interesting to talk about in the abstract, this can be a painful outcome when it happens to us personally.  We may bear the brunt of receiving the title of “La Vendida” – and what name calling is nearly as painful, or cuts as close to the bone?  In English, we often hear the world “sell out.”  Let’s be more thoughtful of what this means and when and how we use these words…

Next time, we’ll discuss the conflict created in these relationships.

Stand Up for Sotomayor!

Stand Up for Sotomayor!

A friend of mine created this t-shirt for purchase ($20). Hearings start July 13!!! Contact (215) 906-1589, or email wiselatinas@gmail.com to discuss sizes, and shipping preference. Buy one for your sister, cousin, co-worker and friends!

July Latina Flick Picks

July Flick Pick: Sister Outsider Entertainment
Theme: La Vendida

By Elisha Miranda & Sofia Quintero
Luminarias

This underappreciated 2000 film about four Chicana friends in East Los Angeles began as a stage play written by its lead actress Evelina Fernández and directed by her husband José Luis Valenzuela. While it focuses mostly on the quest for romantic love, this Latina twist on Waiting to Exhale touches on this month’s theme – betrayal – from various angles. Fernandez’s Andrea not only suffers a philandering husband, she also grapples with her desire to stay true to her Chicana roots and her working-class client (played by Seidy López) when she finds herself falling for her opposing counsel who is Jewish (Scott Bakula.) Then there is Sofía (Marta DuBois), a bottle-blonde therapist, who left the ‘hood and never looked back. That is, until she becomes the object of desire by a charming, immigrant who works as a server (sometimes derogatorily referred to by other characters as un mojado.) Artist Lilly (Ángela Moya) finally breaks her pattern o f dating unavailable men when she meets Lu who is a Korean-American, but will his parents love her the way he does? Having given up sex for Lent, fashion designer Irene struggles to keep her word to la Virgen as well as accept her brother’s homosexuality.

While not without its flaws, Luminarias possesses a courage and earnestness in the way it refuses to shy away from the way that the issues of race, identity, culture, and even religion often trigger questions of betrayal. In many instances, the film’s heroines grapple with the feeling that in order to realize one desire, they must sell out another. For example, does Irene accept Carlos as Carmela even when that contradicts her religious beliefs? Will Sofía allow herself to love Pablo even though he represents everything she has worked so hard to escape? Even the minor character of Andrea’s client Cindy must choose between wanting to keep her family intact when her husband Tony is abusive toward her and their son. Luminarias offers much to discuss so break out your media journal, watch the movie, reflect on these questions, and share your experiences with each other on the Powerful Latinas blog.

Questions:

1. There are various occurrences of betrayal in Luminarias. Some are explicit and other subtle or implied. List them. Who betrays who? What is the act of betrayal? What did the character hope to gain or keep by committing this act? Did s/he achieve what s/he wanted, and if so, what was the cost, if any? Have you ever done the same thing or have it done to you? How were the consequences similar or different? What did the experience teach you?

2. The film raises but does not always resolve a variety of stereotypes. What are some of these stereotypes and what role do they play in each of the character’s definition of betrayal and/or selling out? What cultural beliefs are at the core of your definitions of success, betrayal and loyalty? Imagine that these beliefs were false. How would that alter the way you define success, loyalty and betrayal? In what ways, if any, would you live your life differently if you discovered that some of the ideas that shape your views were actually just stereotypes?

3. About thirty-seven minutes into the film, Andrea and Sofía have a major fight about dating and race. Have you had similar - maybe even multiple - arguments like this with good friends? When was the first time you had this argument? When was the last time? Was there any difference over time in the way that argument unfolded, and if so, to what do you attribute that?

4. Toward the end of the film, Andy tells her son, “We Latinos have a lot of stuff going on inside. We love who we are and we love being who we are. And some of us have this rage, and it’s a rage that comes from way back. Don’t ever let the rage take over. Don’t let the rage get in the way of love.” Journal and/or discuss how hearing her say this made you feel. In what ways does the rage of which Andy speaks is a result of betrayal? In what ways, does the rage protect us from betrayal? And finally, in what ways can that rage itself be a form of betrayal? At what times in your own life has your rage been loyal? In what times has it sold you out?

The Idea of La Vendida

When and how do we feel betrayed as Latinas?  Who is doing the betraying and why would they commit such an act?  And moreover, when are we the betrayer of others, or, even worse, of ourselves?

This month we’ll be examining these questions and more around the theme of La Vendida.  Many of our interviewee’s spoke of the message they received from others that they were betraying other Latinos by succeeding.  Have you ever received that message from others?  I remember that people used to tease me for “being white” because I got good grades or attended classes which were populated almost exclusively by white students (the “high track” classes).

Betrayal can seem to happen when we succeed, or when we break out of the mold and do things that others don’t want us to do.  For example, Elva Lima spoke to us about missing family gatherings when she was working toward her undergraduate degree, working full time and being a single mother to two sons.  Her family, and especially her father, was mystified why she would put anything before the “family.”  But was she really betraying the family, or was she working for the betterment of them all, and especially her children?

When do we feel betrayed by our friends?  A number of interviewees spoke of the sometimes competitive nature of women vis a vis each other.  Do we support our sister Latinas, or do we talk about them behind their backs and betray confidences they may have shared with us?

And finally, are we true to ourselves or do we “betray” ourselves by allowing others to cross our boundaries, or not keeping promises to ourselves, such as taking time to relax, eat healthy food, make it to the gym, or not let that supervisor get to us?

This will be the month to explore these ideas and more.  I’d love to hear your input!

June Latina Flick Picks

June Flick Pick: La Misma Luna
Theme: La Madre

La Misma Luna (Under the Same Moon)

Written by Ligiah Villalobos and directed by Patricia Riggen, La Misma Luna (Under the Same Moon) offers a touching tale of the way the love between a mother and child can thrive and endure despite physical separation.

La Misma Luna unravels the parallel stories of nine-year- old Carlitos and his single mother, Rosario. In the hopes of providing a better life for her son, Rosario works illegally in the U.S. while her mother cares for Carlitos back in Mexico. Unexpected circumstances drive both Rosario and Carlitos to embark on their own journeys in a desperate attempt to reunite. Along the way, mother and son face challenges and obstacles but never lose hope that they will one day be together again. Riggen’s not only directs a heartwarming family story; she also offers subtle commentary on the much-debated issue of illegal immigration.

Adeptly weaving the stories of mother and son, Riggen and Villalobos have created a poignant film that reminds us that the most important thing in life is the love of family. At every turn, La Misma Luna underscores the notion that geography is insignificant, for we are all under the same moon.   Get out your media journal, watch the movie, reflect on these questions, and share your experiences with each other on the Powerful Latinas blog.

Questions:

1.    The subtitle for the movie says: “The love between mother and son knows no boundaries.” What do you think that means? Can that same love exist between a daughter and a mother?  How is it similar or different?  What are ways each of us can even be a mother to children who might not biologically be our own? Do you believe raising children is the responsibility of the village?

2.    Rosario leaves her son Carlitos with her mother in Mexico while she goes to the United States for work to support her son. Have you ever experienced a similar separation with you own mother? How did it make you feel? Did it carry into other areas of your life? Is Rosario less of a mother for leaving her son? How does immigration effect our choices in parenting? Does class impact our choices in the way we parent?  Was community important for both Carlito and Rosario reuniting? Why or why not?  How does this sense of community contradict the nuclear family model used in some middle class families in the United States?

3.    Carlitos was saved from being sold into child slavery by Doña Carmen ‘La Coyota’ who did an intervention and became an ally to Carlitos as she stood up to the men who wanted to sell him.  La Coyota choice to speak out made a difference in Carlitos being able to reunite with his own mother.  La Coyota defied the typical stereotype of Latina women just being sexy and subservient.  Her way of mothering was strong but caring, thus her nickname ‘La Coyota.’ How does ‘La Coyota redefine motherhood?  How is your own sense of motherhood different from your own mother and/or societal expectations?

July Recommendations

Marcela Landres is the author of the e-book How Editors Think. She is an Editorial Consultant who specializes in helping Latinos get published and was formerly an editor at Simon & Schuster. Check out her webpage at: www.marcelalandres.com.

	B as in Beauty by Alberto Ferreras (Grand Central Publishing) Beauty Maria Zavala’s evil boss Bonnie refuses to promote her because of her weight, inspiring Beauty to try a new path to success: blackmail.
	Malinche: A Novel by Laura Esquivel (Atria) A fictional account of the woman who was Hernan Cortes’s translator and lover, mother to the first mestizo, and reviled for helping Spain conquer Mexico.